Every year I get my shit rocked by some drunk guy from Boston in a Dropkick Murphy’s-and-whiskey fueled rage.
Read MoreWhere Do I Obtain Exclusive Access To The Dunkin??
My mission is still so utterly important. I don’t think you understand. My father is Sir Duncan of Dunkin Donuts, and it’s about time that I meet him.
Read MoreWe've Sprung Forward And My Daylight Savings Is In Shambles
As the saying goes: a penny saved is a second earned, and The Stocks is a game best played fast and loose.
Read MoreThree Masturbation Tricks to Try Before Your Roommate Gets Back from Her Date
It’s Valentine’s Day, and the best way to stick it corporate America and everyone who ever doubted you is to sit at home and pleasure yourself for four to seven hours.
Read MoreThe Newest Fall Trend: Denim ALL the Way Down
"“The scraping of denim against my throbbing member reminded me of old timey rural America, when men had nothing to use besides generously-shaped burlap sacks to keep from getting their wives pregnant,” said Bergh, astutely."
Read MoreLetter to Michael Chicklis
"I stretch myself out upon you, like Ted Cruz basking in the hot, morning sun, and I so very gently suck on your impossibly smooth-shaven cranium."
Read MoreFinance Major Having Second Thoughts as Revolution Creeps Ever Closer
“It seemed like the only reasonable choice, considering how shitty they make being poor look on TV.”
Read MoreDetermined Amish Teen Establishes Ridesharing Startup
“I’m not gonna stand here and tell you it's been anything but difficult. When I first started Cloppr, I severely overestimated the number of people who had access to carrier pigeons. That’s the battle I’ve been fighting since the company’s inception.”
Read MoreChristmas Eve Office Party: Nonsense Gift Guide
"Picture this: everyone’s gathered in the break room to exchange presents. You come up behind Jeff and gently cover his eyes with your hands. “Guess who?” you say, playfully."
Read MoreThe 5 Reasons Star Wars: The Last Jedi Sucked (From A Real Fan's Perspective)
Here's the top 5 reasons Star Wars: The Last Jedi blows Tonton dick.
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