If you’re not drinking plenty of fluids, you’ll never survive the rising sea levels or the xenophobia of a post 9/11 America. Or my ex-wife’s curse on this desert estate.

Kenny, if you can hear us from the great Bangerz in the sky, we’re pouring one out for you, bröther.

Please understand: the stakes are high.

It was fitting to be honest, on a day when the oppressed drink to celebrate, the oppressors drink to cope. That’s how, on Labor Day 2018, in the only town within a hundred miles that didn’t have a single citizen that followed him on twitter, Elon Musk and I ended up at the same bar.

“The whole finals system is designed to hurt us, the hardworking students of America,” Griffin said. “I mean, it wouldn’t be as bad if I already had my grades up, but I took a two week sabbatical to relieve stress and try molly after my intro to ceramics midterm really harshed the semester’s mellow.”

From what I’ve overheard while cleaning the men’s bathroom at 10am every Sunday morning, fans are dubious that Avengers: Infinity War will live up to the high expectations that tend to make all experiences much better.

Let’s think about this long and hard, okay? We’re talking fat stacks, high stakes ghost hunting produced by the same people who are making the new Queer Eye reboot.

She said if I only put the paint on the canvas, then I would just be another overconfident Pratt applicant with a passion for photography and an Instagram full of bad tattoo ideas. She said I had to push outside of conventional boundaries to be an artist.

This beautiful example of nature doing what so many of our moms want to brought a smile to dozens of faces over the years, which would seem like something God would want to happen, but apparently not.

I chose love over sex, and that’s where I fucked up.

“I was against any sort of association between religious iconography and Uber precisely to prevent these types of questions. Then Jesus came to me in a dream. He told me that I must feed all his children the bread of life. I asked him if I could charge for it and he said yes.”

Cannot be bought by love.

Do you know any fence sitters who want to join without committing to veganism, but still expect all the benefits of being in a full-fledged coven/sisterhood/support system? You’ve come to the right place.
 

We literally invented cameras so that people wouldn’t have to do statues anymore, but apparently some weirdos felt compelled to continue sculpting literal tits and asses every day in front of children. I’m here to say “Fuck that” to that. And I am. Fuck that.

I think the Easter Bunny and our Yoshua’s resurrection was all a bit overpowering last weekend; this one’s for the tribe.