I chose love over sex, and that’s where I fucked up.

“I was against any sort of association between religious iconography and Uber precisely to prevent these types of questions. Then Jesus came to me in a dream. He told me that I must feed all his children the bread of life. I asked him if I could charge for it and he said yes.”

Cannot be bought by love.

Do you know any fence sitters who want to join without committing to veganism, but still expect all the benefits of being in a full-fledged coven/sisterhood/support system? You’ve come to the right place.
 

We literally invented cameras so that people wouldn’t have to do statues anymore, but apparently some weirdos felt compelled to continue sculpting literal tits and asses every day in front of children. I’m here to say “Fuck that” to that. And I am. Fuck that.

I think the Easter Bunny and our Yoshua’s resurrection was all a bit overpowering last weekend; this one’s for the tribe.

Jesus’s trampling was his third worst death since crucifixion, if you factor in his torture during the dark ages and that one time he got hit by a bus outside an Ikea in Cleveland.

FREE COPY - TAKE IT AND WE'LL REPLACE IT

The most prominent sound on this plane is the baby crying three rows ahead of my boyfriend and I. Why does no one hold the baby?

Every year I get my shit rocked by some drunk guy from Boston in a Dropkick Murphy’s-and-whiskey fueled rage.

My mission is still so utterly important. I don’t think you understand. My father is Sir Duncan of Dunkin Donuts, and it’s about time that I meet him.

As the saying goes: a penny saved is a second earned, and The Stocks is a game best played fast and loose.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and the best way to stick it corporate America and everyone who ever doubted you is to sit at home and pleasure yourself for four to seven hours.

"“The scraping of denim against my throbbing member reminded me of old timey rural America, when men had nothing to use besides generously-shaped burlap sacks to keep from getting their wives pregnant,” said Bergh, astutely."