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2024

The Dirty, Dirty Past Of Feminist Gloria Steinman [Found in “Articles”]

While Snuffy is preoccupied gawking at the Playboy bunnies, our most cultured of readers might be reminded of a certain scene from Legally Blonde the Musical (2007). Elle Woods is dressed as a Playboy bunny and her rival calls her a skank for wearing such a revealing (yet smoking hot) costume. Elle retorts, saying that she is not just any old Playboy bunny, but she is dressed as feminist icon Gloria Steinem when she went undercover in preparation for her article exposing the industry. Thanks to my extensive and very scholarly research using Wikipedia, as well as my gut feelings, I now know the truth: Gloria Steinem is, in fact, a skank. In this essay, I will….

For starters, she’s from Ohio. I can’t think of any place to live more sleazy than that, other than Hempstead, Long Island, or possibly even your mother’s house. Steinem’s mother suffered from extreme mental illness, and her father got a divorce from her after she became violent. Gloria Steinem stayed with her mother but said that she did not blame her father for the divorce. First of all, that’s some two-faced bullshit. Talking shit with her father about her mother, but then living with the one she’s talking shit about? I’d understand if this was coming from a Gemini, but your Aries ass has no excuse. Second of all, what happened to uplifting women? Hey Gloria, stop being mad at your mother for her violent tendencies. She’s just a girl okay? Give her a break!

Gloria Steinem also got an abortion while it was still illegal. We’re pro-choice here at Nonsense (after all, Snuffy’s probably going to have to pay for a few fetus removals after his night in the Playboy Mansion), but breaking a law? That’s kind of skank-like behavior, don't you think? Might as well just start jaywalking while you’re on your crime spree. 

Furthermore, In 1977, Steinem spoke out against trans-affirming surgery for trans women, stating that people can identify as whatever they want as long as they don’t change their genitals. How come you’re so interested in genitals, Gloria? She just wants to make sure there’s an abundance of dicks for her to choose from. Speaking of, Steinem spoke out against pornography, but then stated that erotic writing is okay. She probably just wants to make sure that no one bans her Severus Snape x Reader fanfic. I see you, Gloria. I know your tricks. 

On top of that, Gloria Steinem also said that she wanted to model her feminist campaigns after Gandhi's independence campaigns. So what I’m hearing is that she’s just blindly following the tactics of an influential man rather than coming up with her own ideas? That’s basically a slap in the face to feminism. 

One more point before I go (I have a colonoscopy appointment in 15 minutes): Gloria Steinem worked at the Independent Research Service for 4 years. I don’t know what that is, and Wikipedia doesn’t either, but what we do know is that it is an organization funded by the CIA. The CIA, huh? As in, the Cum In Ass people? That’s all the evidence we need. I hereby declare that feminist Gloria Steinem is, in fact, a SKANK! But hey, that’s just a theory….

Advice Column 1 [Found in “Articles”]

“[?]” is a god-like being who works for Nonsense Magazine and gives advice to Hofstra Students when they’re not causing a rift between time and space. Their species is unknown, and Nonsense has never been able to capture their true identity. The only person who has ever seen [?] is their friend, Snuffy. They get blackout drunk together every first Friday of the month at 4 pm. Snuffy can never remember their encounters by the time he wakes up the next day. 
Dear [?],

I am a male student here at Hofstra University. Some background: My parents have always been really strict, and even though I’m at college, they still keep a close eye on me. They let me use their credit card, but they monitor everything I buy and get notifications from the credit card company any time I purchase something. I don’t have my own accounts yet. Anyway, after some time living on campus, I’ve been exploring my sexuality (both my sexual orientation and my own body). I always thought I was straight, but recently I’ve been dreaming of having a fat juicy cock in my ass. In order to enhance my masturbation sessions, I want to buy some kind of toy to put up my ass. The problem is, if I buy anything with my credit card, my parents will find out. Is there anything I can find on campus that might satisfy my cravings? My asshole is getting lonely. Thank you. 

–Sexually Frustrated   

Dear Sexually Frustrated, 

Thank you for your question! Luckily, you can find many things at Hofstra University that might help you solve your problem. Anything cylindrical and solid that you can comfortably fit up your ass could work. Do you have a stick of deodorant to use? My guess is no, but maybe you can ask your roommate. I would NOT recommend a banana, since it can get mushy and get stuck inside you. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. If you are stupid enough to try something more adventurous, just take a walk outside with some snacks. Then, find a Hof squirrel. Use the snacks to train it to follow it back into your room and finger your anus with its tiny squirrel hands. One last suggestion–the real thing. You want a cock in your ass? Meet me in the Calkins painting studio tomorrow at 11 pm. 

—[?]