Ella Pistone Articles ╚(ಠ_ಠ)=┐

2024

Please Please Go Out With Me, Your Drink Probably Isn't Spiked [Found in “Articles”]

Hey hey hey! It’s your favorite super alpha macho man, head honcho of the Greek pantheon, Zeus! That’s right, you heard me: Greek. Which means Greek Life! Which means parties! Wine! Women! Wonderful vices! Though I don’t want it to be a cult of Dionysus this time around. How would you feel about being part of a harem? There should be some lingerie in your size in the closet upstairs if you’d be willing to go with me up there to take a look (wink wink). What’s that? Not your thing? Nononono wait come back, I have a different offer, yeah. How do you feel about getting hazed? I swear it’s fun. Aw come on, don’t be such a loser killjoy. Getting hazed isn’t so bad, I barely remember what I did that night so it couldn’t have been a big deal. I just got handed a cup, I drank the juice, and here we are. If you go through the hazing process, you can then do it to other people. You get near absolute power over other people, and it’s fun! They’re at your mercy and everything. Can’t tell you much else, it’s so secret even I don’t know. I probably did at one point, but anyways. How can you roll your eyes at that? Ugh, you’ve got such a stick up your ass. Alright how about this: The lights are dimmed, there’s like a crap ton of candles all over the place right? And there’s a fountain, one of those chocolate thingies. It’s fondue? More like FUNdue, as in you’re due for some fun, overdue, even. And there’s a nice couch and you can just lie down on it. It’s great. I can feed you grapes and we can draw, say, you, posed like one of those French girls. What? I’m trying to objectify you? Fine, fine, I’LL pose like one of those French girls and you draw me. See, there. I am peak feminism. No one loves women more than me. Still a no? That’s okay, see, if you’re persistent enough, any no can become a yes! Maybe that romantical stuff was too boring for you, too predictable. We could play truth, dare, or strip, either way you end up exposed. NO? Maybe this is all too complicated for someone who isn’t part of our enlightened brotherhood. I GUESS we could just go to Applebee’s and I GUESS I could cover the bill, and since I’ll only mention that a minimum of 6 times, I should probably be kissed for my efforts. AND I’ll throw in flowers if you throw in a foot massage. What? I don’t have SIDE CHICKS. Oh, a GIRLFRIEND? Who told you that? (Ugh, I knew Artemis was a girl’s girl or whatever the fuck being a snitch is called nowadays). What’s THAT supposed to mean? Crossing Hera, pft. Oh. Hera. Well she’s not my GIRLFRIEND, see, that’s more of a situationship, on again off again, thing. She’s kinda toxic, not gonna lie. You don’t want to be a side chick and I’m clearly unstable? Wow. I think you mean YOU’RE missing out on the sexiest man you’ll ever meet, AND you’re not even that pretty, I just didn’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day since Hera’s mad at me. Go, then, I can do better than you anyways, everyone wants a piece of me. WAIT DON’T GO, my precious angel pookie bear shnookums treasure of my bleeding heart!! I’m sorry. :( I’ll make it up to you, somehow. I’m out of chances? But- Hey that’s not a nice word. Fine! And OH, gotta go, I think I heard Hera, aaaaaand she’s on her way to key my car for the third time this week. Great. What did I do to deserve this?