Lincoln Anniballi Articles ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

2024

Hofstra’s Hottest Spot [Found in “Articles”]

As everyone on a college campus knows, the number one thing students are asking is “where can I have sex?” Whether your roommate never leaves your dorm, or you’re just looking for something different, I’ve assembled this list of Hofstra’s best spots to show your partner how much you love them. To help ensure new students make the best choice, I hope this list can be presented in the admissions office. 

  1. Hofstra Hall. The former bedroom of William and Kate Hofstra provides for a thrilling love sesh. The creaky floors, the peeling wallpaper, and the dusty furniture creates an eerie atmosphere. It’s so scary that your partner will be begging to embrace you. And if you’re interested in a threesome, I’ve heard the ghost of Kate Hofstra is willing to jump in. 

  2. RSR Booth. From 9am to 5pm you’ve got it all to yourself. With ample desk space, a rolly chair, and the illusion of power, you’ve got yourself the spot. Just don’t forget to cock out. 

  3. My Ex’s Dorm. Now this may just be a personal favorite, but every student is all too familiar with the post-breakup feelings of a Friday night. After you’ve run out of swipes on Tinder you know who to call. It’s familiar and less fun than you remember, but it's better than nothing. Downsides may include feelings of regret, shame, anger, and self-hate that somehow only last until next weekend. 

  4. Couches Behind Brooklyn Slice: You know em, you love em. Inhale the mediocre pizza and feel the heat of more than just pizza ovens. There's not a lot of space so your activities may be limited, but the comfy cushions and views of the brooklyn bridge make up for it. 

  5. Student Counseling Services. After a late night bite at HofUSA, student counseling services offers the perfect spot to burn off your brownie sundae. When you’ve finished, hang out til the morning to deal with the issues that led you this far into the article.  

  6. “Sims” Statue, Pride Park. If you’re a fan of the Sims, these diamond statues are a perfect place to Woohoo. When you've finished, bond with your partner about your gaming interests.

  7. Bird Sanctuary. Just behind the Student Center, return to nature at the Hofstra bird sanctuary. Warning, the birds do peck. 

Avoid: Club Office. Quiet rooms, locked doors, controllable lights… Where's the fun in that? At Hofstra we offer only the most exciting displays of affection. Let's not keep that hidden.