Art Credit: Gillian Pitzer
By Peter Soucy
An excerpt from The Hofstra Issue!
The Hofstra Pride Football team played their first game of the season this past Sunday against the University of Missouri White Police. The game was started with the ceremonial singing of the National Anthem by Robbie Rosen who was a finalist on American Idol. Being a finalist on American Idol means he’s good at singing. It also means Hofstra was mentioned on national television because of American Idol finalist Robbie Rosen. Robbie Rosen was also a finalist on American Idol. ROBBIE ROSEN WILL NEVER NOT SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT HOFSTRA. After American Idol finalist Robbie Rosen sang the national anthem, the teams huddled up by their coaches. U Missouri was given a thoughtful speech by Coach Officer Darren Wilson, but no player believed a single word of what he said. The Hofstra Pride’s Coach, President Stuart Rabinowitz, opted to show a video tape of himself giving a thoughtful speech instead of giving it in person. As Coach President Rabinowitz watched himself deliver that speech on the screen, he seemed oddly aroused.
With both teams itching to get their hands on each other, the game was started. U Missouri kicked off to the Hofstra Pride, and Junior Greg “Legs” McGreg caught the ball and ran it an estimated twenty yards; there are no more yardage lines on the field since it is used primarily for Hofstra Lacrosse. First down. Senior quarterback Dan “The Man” Danielson threw a beautiful spiral pass to Sophomore “Curious” George Schwartz who ran it all the way to the end zone where his teammates formed a human staircase, and Schwartz dove through the field goal, resulting in no points being scored. Second Down and one micro penis from the end zone. Danielson threw the ball straight up into the air where Sophomore Kyler “As Fuck” Jenkins, floating on a cloud of vape smoke, was able to catch the ball and score that sweet touchdown the team had been craving. As Jenkins walked back to the bench, Coach Lord President Rabinowitz gave him a slap on the ass in such a way that it reminded Jenkins of his Uncle Steve. Jenkins ran off the field in tears. All those years in therapy were gone in a flash. Freshman Bobby “Fresh2Death” Fillet was subbed in for Jenkins in the second half of the game. This is 4 on 4 street football.
Bottom of the last and the score is all tied at 9.2 to 9.2. Coach Chancellor President Rabinowitz was being woken up from recently fainting due to all the young male exertion that had happened. In a freak “I didn’t do it” accident, Coach Officer Darren Wilson had shot the brown football as it traveled past him, so the teams were now using Coach Iron Chef President Rabinowitz’s recently circumcised foreskin blown up to the size of a regulation football as the game ball. Dan “The Man” Danielson huddled up his team, and they all knew the plan. Every member of the team kissed the ball for good luck. Danielson made the call, “Is bearz big dogz, set, HIKE!” The White Policemen instantly tackled Danielson and killed him, but not before he tossed the ball backward to Bobby “Fresh2Death” Fillet who caught it in his Lax stick and catapulted it into the end-zone. In an unprecedented turn of events, Austin “Very White” Black, an eleventh year senior, did a double nollie heelflip into a grind on the goalpost before getting hit in the face with the ball. The ball actually lodged into Black’s head, but the refs counted it as a legitimate catch. Coach Senior Prom Queen President Rabinowitz cried over the thought of, “what if my foreskin had still been attached?” The Hofstra Pride got the W; what a great day to be a Hofstra student. We. Got. That. Hofstra Pride.
That was the last game for the Hofstra Pride football team because SGA decided to cut their budget, and also because two players died tragic brutal deaths.