Horoscopes For The Week Of July 25th

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By Jesse Saunders

Aries Mar 21- Apr 19

A fire sign through and through, Aries! The world shines brighter with you in it, your passion for life is an ever growing fire no man can put out. You will not be acquitted of those arson charges.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20

The world is your Oyster! A more adventurous social life is on the way! If you’ve been thinking about making a change now’s the time! Love is in the Air! Prepare for a new path to open up! Life is meaningless and you feel without purpose! Get ready for good news Taurus! Gather your friends and just let down your hair! Things are happening! If the news is good, it’s probably true! If you want to know how to best proceed with the glad tidings, please insert your credit or debit card number (and the 3-digit security code) below!

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

No lie! A free psychics reading can be yours for the small price of 9.99 a minute! Find validation in the arms of our caring psychics, they know what’s happening this month, and so can you!

Cancer Jun 21 – Jul 22

Some past discretions are coming back to haunt you this month Cancer! The man you hit with your car in the summer of 2013, did survive and he knows your face. Your friends have fallen, and you don’t have the stamina to outrun a cold blooded killer, so maybe think about investing in a bike.

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

I don’t want to be weird about this, but I know you wore that shirt yesterday. You can totally get away with that, like I’m not judging you, but people definitely know. In other news financial aid is coming your way, so stay optimistic Leo and you’ll have new clothes and enough money to pay for a full psychic reading before you know it!

Virgo Aug 23 – Sep 22

Your patience is running low. You totally get it but no one else does! Are they crazy? What’s wrong with them? No I don’t think you’re in the wrong. No honestly they’re the ones being weird about it. I feel ya.

Can I interest you in some Amethyst? Might make ya feel better…

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22

You owe me 30 dollars Libra, and I’m going to start charging interest. Good news though Libra if you get your shit together and start working you might be able to pay me back before we’re both in the grave.

Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21

Get yourself tested.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

The tinder date will not go well. I know he seems cute, but we both know it’s probably not worth it. Not like the stars. We are forever.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Your ex is planning on changing their Netflix password Capricorn, you have but mere moments before you’ll lose your spot in your eighth Office rewatch binge.

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Not trying to be rude or anything, but I kind of forgot you were a sign. As far as the stars are telling me, you don’t exist. Try our new “Validate my existence” package for only 19.99 and maybe the stars will become a little clearer, if you catch my meaning.

Pisces Feb 19 –Mar 20

I Have Not Forgotten.