We’ve all been there. You have a son who's such a large handsome boy of a son, and you know the girls are gonna be trying to tame his crotch carrot faster than you can say, “son that’s actually called your penis, not your cloth carol.” So, how do you explain the lowdown, on the getdown, on the letdown, that is sex? Sex is a joyless, thankless experience. No one wants it, but you know your son is so long and handsome that it’s bound to be sprung upon him by someone handsome and wide. Here are seven clean ways to explain sex to your pure, cylindrical, handsome son.
1. “One time a million years ago, God grabbed a holy bee and stuck its stinger into a birds butt, and said ‘this is sex, and it is sin, but you must do it for me.’ So humans did it and still do it. That’s sex!”
This one is pretty much straight out of the Bible. Not religious, just scared? Here:
2. “When the fruit bat spots a piece of fruit that it would like to ingest purely for its nutrients, and maybe its flavor, it goes after it. Maybe it’s a small berry, or let’s say a papaya. Having lost the ability to echolocate in evolution, the fruit bat uses its keen sense of smell to stick its long carrot-like fang into the papaya. Once it has sucked out all the nutrients, it drops a big guano to the ground and flies off to find another papaya. That’s sex!”
If your handsome son loves bats as much as mine does then this will make them really happy.
3. “Remember those dreams you would have about dipping your crotch carrot into a bowl of mud? That’s not sex!”
If your handsome son has had these same dreams, then it’s probably good to clarify what sex is not. Just tell him this, and every other thing. He’ll get it.
4. “Son, that’s actually called your penis, not your crotch carrot. Oops.”
This one only works if, at a young age, you told your handsome son that his penis is called a crotch carrot. If that’s the case, fire away!
5. “If a girl ever tells you that she’s ‘really enjoying this funnel cake that you purchased me at this county fair that you invited me to,’ you need to sneeze on said funnel cake, causing the sugar to encompass her. That’s sex!”
Metaphor too apt for comfort? This one:
6. “Once a year on your lover’s birthday you should buy for them their favorite ice cream, then light one-hundred candles in the bedroom. Then you should melt the ice cream using the candles and pour it into your lover’s mouth. After that, they are ready for sex. Slowly insert your carrot into your lover’s carrot receiving sanctum, located exactly where your carrot is except lower or to the side. As soon as you start to feel the tingle of Farmer Joe, retract your carrot, or Farmer Joe will harvest it and you’ll never be able to pee again. That’s sex!”
Ah yes, this is how I first overheard about sex. I wanted my handsome son to have the same experience, so I made sure to recite the above paragraph every time he entered a room for four months. (Side note: If you need to bring a little fire to your bedroom, try the candle thing.)
7. “Son, we need to have a talk. Katie-Alice is the perfect cubical dimension for your cylindrical body. You should ask her to have sex and then have sex. To do so, just ask her to have sex and then let her do everything. You’re adopted, and not the result of my sex, and your mother and I’s marriage is purely financial. Farmer Joe harvested my carrot, or ‘penis’ as you now know, when I was 23. It was during Mardi Gras, and so he never gave it back. ”
Feel free to use any of these clean phrases to explain sex to your handsome son. Just slip them into any conversation. I know they worked with my boy!