From our latest issue, Nonsense Goes Soft!
By William Faber
Modern relationships must navigate a rocky strait. Between secret Tinders, buxom secretaries, and the wealth of squirrel porn available online at long last, any romantic involvement with another human being must be forged to survive most any test of patience and understanding. Today, however, many couples are hitting a roadblock in a part of their relationship which for years was considered a testament to trust and intimacy: ass-eating.
“When I put my tongue up my girlfriend Geneva’s corn hole, I’m just expecting some clean, traditional ass-eating,” wrote prominent analingus connoisseur, Terry Brown, in a Yelp review posted last Tuesday. “When I eat here I don’t expect anything fancy. But if there’s one thing I don’t want, it’s a culinary experience that ends with ass hairs wedged into my molars. 1 ½ Stars.”
Upon reading for myself the words of Mr. Brown, and realizing the extent to which he had breached his partner’s privacy, I came to one conclusion: I needed to do some deep digging of my own. For it was not the breaching of Geneva’s privacy which struck me as worthy of such a full-hearted journalistic endeavor, but in fact the mouth full of hairs that resulted from it.
According to Mr. Brown, things had not always been so complicated. “Her ass hairs were blonde when we started dating, but now... Now almost every night I end up with an auburn tinted strand strewn across the front of my teeth like the lone string left on a blind orphan’s fiddle. I’m sorry to have to say this so publicly once again,” declared Mr. Brown, lying, “but when I’m dangling my clapper into Geneva’s poop chute, I like to know exactly what I’m getting into, and then out of, and then into once again.”
“I don’t know what he expects,” said Geneva Thune, upon coming home to find that a story was being written about her ass and the hairs within it. “The guy’s got his whole mouth muscle up my bussy! There’s some hair up there, alright? That just comes with the territory. I appreciate what he does for me, I do, but now I’m feeling sorta self-conscious because of how big of a deal this is becoming.”
As soon as the nation at large learned that talk about Geneva’s sex life was making her self-conscious and uncomfortable, both individuals and institutions of all creeds and backgrounds began lining up to share their opinions.
“Ass-eating before marriage? Absolutely not,” began a priest from suburban Georgia, taking it upon himself to give the Catholic church’s first official opinions on the matter. “But, if it’s between two married, consenting, straight adults, then let me tell y’all something: you feed your moist masseuse straight up that turd cutter. Deep.”
Soon after, a prominent celebrity took up a soapbox of their own to speak on butt-mouthing. “Look, if this “Terry” has truly got his wet-prod working back and forth on her rusty bullet hole like Mr. Miyagi teaching breakdancing lessons, then that’s just a thing that’s bound to happen. No judgement needs to come or go either way. This is just a part of the human experience.” He then stepped off the podium and immediately engaged in a passionate ass eating session with his own partner, the singer Beyonce.
After Mr. Brown’s further comments, attacking teeth for how they allow hairs to find safe passage between his incisors, dentists lined up to defend the weird bones they obsess over. “Oh, come on,” said prominent D.D.S., Roger Hixon. “He’s driving his spit sausage two and a half inches up his girlfriend’s balloon knot, and he expects what exactly? For it to come out cleaner? Look, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that certain dental phenomena have a higher likelihood of occurring when you do something awesome like that.” When asked if Geneva’s growing state of shock and embarrassment contributed at all to the decision to provide an unprompted and documented assessment of the situation, the office of Dr. Hixon responded, “Yes.”
The president of the United States, not the current one, but one who seems to exist outside of time and represents the position in its purest form, said, “There’s an individual in this country who feels it necessary to make note of every memento he brings back from the lodge. He is humiliating his partner, a young woman by the name of Geneva Thune, daughter of Maggie and Richard Thune, simply because of a few hairs -- hairs which once occupied her ass, but now occupy the hearts and minds of a nation. This fella is out there burying his Finnish pitchfork into the khaki mouth of a young woman whom he claims he can see himself moving in with, and yet he shoulders none of the responsibility for the fucked up Osmosis Jones sequel that's become of his inner-face.? What’s going on here, folks?”
In this reporter’s unbiased opinion, ya gotta eat the full ass, hair and all.