By: Victoria Jenkins
Parents, huh? They made you, they raised you, they scarred you, and now they’re back for blood. Your dad’s blood cell count is too low. They need a transfusion stat and you’re a perfect match. I may be joking about the blood, but the emotional trauma they branded you with is no laughing matter. You deserve respect. You deserve reparations. You deserve an apology. They’re never gonna write it, god, do I have to do everything around here? Kick that troubled ass into gear and follow these helpful guidelines:
DO: Prepare yourself. Hunt for and gather supplies.
This is going to be an emotional trip. Snacks, tissues, water, long range hunting rifle, lube - you never know what you’re going to need, but you’re going to want it all.
DON’T: Bring up the neighbors.
Competition always ran high within the neighborhood. Discussing your parents’ rivals would only sour their humble act of atonement. Besides, your family was publicly declared the hairiest on the block, and the others can’t say anything to change that.
DO: Point out their many apparent and inherent shortcomings.
Adults love to discuss their flaws and freely admit their mistakes. To give the letter an authentic “Mom and Dad” feel, consider every time they’ve ever wronged you and how they might say sorry for that. You’d been trying to befriend the deer in the backyard when it suddenly “ran away” and dinner was venison for a week after. Your father offers you clout to make up for this, but do you accept it? Yes.
DON’T: Turn your back.
The one thing you needed as a child was the unconditional love and support of your parents. All you got was the sharp teeth and rough barks of a hardened heart. Be there for yourself; compliment your own deep, brown eyes, or your soft, pink flesh.
DO: Stand up for yourself.
Looking weak, scared, or vulnerable is only going to invite another attack. You and your father know you should be second-in-command, so how about he finally tells you so? Better yet, he concedes you his spot as the alpha male- now you’re really sitting pretty!
DON’T: Make eye contact.
It’s all about power, baby. Brief glances.
DO: Throw this letter out.
Let’s be honest here, your parents wouldn’t write it even if they could. You’ve already become the person you’re going to be. It’s your American and God-given right to pass your flaming torch of emotional baggage to the next generation under the light of a full moon. Treat yourself to a steak; not much else you can do when you were raised by wolves.