7 Quick Steps To Your Perfect Beach Body

By Gisela Factora

Graphic by Beth Foster

The days are getting longer, the sun is getting brighter, the boundless energy of the sea calls to you, entices you with her power. Yes, it’s that time of year again folks; summer is right around the corner! That means it’s time to kick back, relax, and pay a visit to the beach. I know what you’re thinking: my body is NOT ready! (LOL!)

We all know the struggles of inhabiting a flesh vessel not quite ready for the pleasures and perils of the open ocean. But with these seven quick and easy steps, you’ll be guaranteed to be beach ready in no time!

 1. Adjust your mindset!

You’ve probably tried fad diets and juice cleanses and Drake yoga classes by the dozen, and yet you still don’t have a bangin’ new bod. It would be so easy to just throw in the towel and curl up with your cat, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy™, and give up on your summer dreams. That’s why the essential first step to any workout plan is getting ~in the mood~. No, not like that; get your mind out of the gutter! :P :P Everyone knows sex is a debauched pleasure of the lesser flesh and you, my dear, will NOT sink to that level. I’m talking about confidence! Say to yourself: I am a goddess! I will be the hottest babe on the beach this summer! Sharon from the PTA will not roll her eyes at my rolls ever again! We recommend a motivational poster, perhaps in the form of a phone background.

 

 

2. Warm up!

The most important part of any physical activity is making sure that your muscles are properly stretched, in order to reduce risk of injury. Start with a jog or other form of light cardio to really get that blood pumpin’! For this particular endeavor, you’ll have to do a bit of “warming up” of your soul too. I mean, when it really comes down to it, is there really a huge difference between warming up physically and warming up spiritually? It’s all about harm reduction. Anyway, say a prayer to your higher power of choice. Beach bodies aren’t for the weak!

3. Eat right!

Everyone knows that the most effective way to a new body is equal parts diet and exercise, but that doesn’t have to mean salads day in and day out. Luckily, there’s no kale or quinoa (yuck!) involved in this diet. That shit’s for people like Sharon, who sucks her swamp-water smoothies through a goddamn straw every single time you try to speak at a PTA meeting. God. You're gonna crush that bitch.

Aaaaanyway, this diet is all about pure protein, baby. You could go the boring route and drink a protein shake (or whatever) every day, but we recommend 100% organic viscera, preferably fresh. No worries if you’re unable to acquire fresh viscera, store-bought will do just fine. Besides, it’s summer! It's not about how you acquire the viscera, or who becomes it. Nah! It’s about getting your friends together, blasting some Carly Rae Jepsen, and cracking open a boy--or girl, or person of any gender! We’re progressive here at Nonsense.

 4. Find a routine!

Like I said, exercise is essential to summoning a beach body. Hitting the gym can be a chore, I know, and Sharon from the PTA is somehow ALWAYS there, smirking down at you from the elliptical, fully clad in Lululemon. Fuck the gym. Get some besties together and take a hike, take a zumba or spin class, do some watersports; the possibilities are endless, really. Just make sure you really build up that stamina, you’re going to need all your strength so as not to be torn asunder by the next few steps!

 5. Acquire the blood!

Remember that boy you cracked open? I sure hope you saved the blood, because you’re going to need it! If you’re a real pro, you’ll know to have drained the blood before consuming the viscera. But we get it! Nothing beats the pure, unadulterated joy of sinking your teeth into warm flesh and just really going for it, especially in the summertime. Ahhh… it takes you back to the hot months of your youth. You know what I’m talking about- the summers that seemed to be made for baseball with the neighborhood kids, striking down innocents with no mercy, lemonade stands on the corner, and everyone’s favorite pastime, fucking the apple pie. But nostalgia does not a beach body make! You’re going to need some blood, buddy, and you're gonna need it pronto. However you choose to acquire the blood, we recommend storing it somewhere safe, dark, and cool. Now’s the perfect time to re-purpose that ugly vase your mom got you for Christmas! DIY or die, am I right folks?

 6. P e r f o r m t h e r i t u a l !

You’re in the proper headspace, you’ve warmed up physically and spiritually, you’ve eaten good, you’ve worked out, you’ve got the fuggin blood. Finally, it’s time. The perfect beach body is so near.

Call, once again, upon the deity you contacted previously. If they are appeased, the r i t u a l will come to you. What form it will take, I cannot say for sure, but you shouldn't be able to miss it. It has been described as feeling a lot like learning a trendy dance via YouTube, or like getting into Sriracha, followed by other spicier foods a little later down the road -- a guided journey to a new life the likes of which you could never have imagined before. If you have proven yourself worthy, the r i t u a l will come to you quickly. But do not fear the haste with which it makes a hardened, clawed beach scarab out of you. This is how it must be, lest the infinite knowledge become too much for your puny mortal brain to bear. The time to perform the r i t u a l has arrived.

 7. E̸͖̣͉ ̗͓̳̯n̳̖̼͞ ̟̞̳̤j҉̳̞̝͇͖̯ ̸o̶ ̹̫͖y̺ ̦̙͕̩̕ͅy͓̭̩͕̮̟͘ ͜o ̘͕͎̝ù ͏r̗͍͍̤ ̮͓̣̖̩͙͘ͅn̡̦ ̺͢e͈̦̬̖̬͎̣̕ ͏̳͈͔͎̺̠ͅw͏ ͉̳̩̙̬ͅv̝̙̜ ̱͔e̖̯͓̫͈͢ ̯s̺͞ ̡̩̲͍̻̹s̙̘̙̝͔̙̥ e̘͚͘ ̗ͅl͙͞ ̠͖́!҉̖̫̫̠̭̺

 If you’ve followed these steps, it should look a little something like this:

 

Your true form--oh, it is glorious. I quiver before you, Sharon from the PTA will quiver before you, the ocean itself will recoil in horror at your visage. Now, O Great One, this realm where sea meets earth is yours to conquer. Finally, you have ascended from that soft, fleshy, pathetic human form. Finally, you have achieved the perfect beach body.