Celebrities love holidays just like the rest of us, but with all that money and fame comes the expectation to go bigger and crazier with each new celebration. Very unfair. While it’s true that their lives are better than any of ours could be, and more genuinely fulfilling as well, we as consumers have been putting too much pressure on them to have big and luxurious good times! We here at Nonsense decided it was finally time to blow up the last remaining stereotype, so we reached out to five of our most spangled stars this Independence Day to find out who’s turning up, who’s keeping things low-key, and who’s willing to let pro skateboarder, and former Jackass star, Bam Margera tag along if possible.
1. Jennifer Lawrence
While she may be one of Hollywood’s most consistent earners, the 2013 Best Actress winner has been known to keep things on the cozy and quiet side when it comes to celebrating July 4th of every year. In 2015, it was a comfy weekend in New York with former beau Chris Martin of Coldplay, while 2016 found her stealing away to the Hamptons for an absolutely wacky weekend with her #Squad. So what will 2017 have in store for the “Passengers” star? Well, according to J-Law herself, this year will actually be a bit out of character for her, as she’s throwing a “pretty sweet party” full of “all my totally normal friends and family” where she’ll “eat big, messy meatball subs and be clumsy” as well as “hug with my childhood friend and first real crush, Bam Margera.”
2. Kevin Durant
While K-D is used to spending his summers training in preparation for the grind of a nine-month NBA season, the newly-minted champion and Finals MVP is said to be taking some time off this year to enjoy himself and rest his body. When asked about the possibility of reuniting with his former fitness consultant and best man, Bam Margera, for the July 4th festivities, the eight-time NBA All-Star was noticeably straight to the point: “Nah, not this year I don’t think,” he said. Damn. Well, there ya have it folks. We here at Nonsense certainly won’t be holding our collective breath waiting to catch the one they call “Slim Reaper” hanging around with the one they call “that sort of handsome guy from Asshats or whatever it was” anytime soon.
3. Sean Hannity
It’s IndepenDay, and America’s most swirlied patriot is gonna be grilling some meat, mixing cement, and cussing at his wife. That’s a given. (God given). But will FOX News’s fourth-most fuckable pundit have the balls to invite former Green Party candidate for the Chester, PA mayoral seat, Brandon Cole Margera, to cook out with him and Jill this year? “Yeah, I’d do that. Sure. I don’t agree much with his politics, but that’s not what’s at the heart of this holiday anyway. I think we can all agree on that. And besides, I’ve seen quite a bit of footage of him slapping and hurting his fat parents, and I guess that just sits really well with me. I just really like that, I guess.”
4. John Oliver
Ah yes, John Oliver. The foreign-born patriot with the wits of Oscar Wilde, the righteousness of George Washington, and also the teeth of George Washington! What could he, the last great hope this nation has in taking down the Trump Administration, be doing today to prove that he should get to hang out here for another year?
“For the 4th I usually just relax indoors and listen to my favorite music group, called U2. I think that people don’t give them credit, really. A lot of Americans don’t understand U2. I try to tell them – I even try to make them listen – but I guess nobody really thinks I’m being serious. I try to explain that U2 is like Bon Jovi, if Bon Jovi was shy and capable of fear. When I was a boy they used to call me John Bon Joliver, because I had yet to experience fear. Obviously that changed.”
Mmm, cool. And as for former colleague and fellow correspondent at the Daily Show? You know, Bam? Bam Margera?
“I’ve really only got the one chair. Ya know. So I just can’t. I cannot.”
5. Kylie Jenner
She may be the youngest of the Kardashian clan, but don’t get it twisted: humans are still harming one another for a chance to smell her skin. So how exactly will one of the world’s most impressive young moguls ring in the second half of summer? On a yacht of course!
“Yeah, we’re just gonna keep things pretty normal this year,” said the 19-year-old model and fashion designer. “We’ll probably watch the fireworks at night and just kick back. Knowing Kanye he’ll probably want to DJ, haha. It should be nice. We were originally going to rent out a beach, but even then there’s just no privacy. Really, it’s a bit insane just trying to get away from people. Do you know what it’s like to wake up every day knowing that millions of people are debating whether or not you look ‘real?’ About whether or not you deserve to be happy? It’s just totally crazy, ya know. They actually wonder about… whether or not I deserve to look in the mirror and even love myself. It's like...you all don’t even see me as a human I don’t think. You either idealize me or resent me; and it’s not even that you want me to know that I’m no better than you, as if you view us as equals on a human level – for the most part, you want me to feel that I’m beneath you. You want me to feel that my good fortune makes me less than you. That every picture I take is an act of masturbatory selfishness, rather than an anxiety-driven cry to be seen. How fucked is that? I never asked for this. You think I want to spend the rest of my life never being good enough, never being treated with basic compassion, always a project under construction? You watched me grow up, and the only thing you ever did was assess me for how I’d look down the road, how I’d measure up to Kim, and Kourtney, and Big Klo’. Well here we are. This is the end of the road. This is who I’ve become. Imperfect ears, imperfect eyes, hips too narrow, legs too thin. I am, at best, a series of corrections. I am Theseus’ Ship, built anew every day. Understand what I am saying: this skull contains the cheekbones of a Filipino bar maid. Are you listening to me? This satin hair I flaunt is but an orphanage harvest.”
Alright, haha. I guess that’s it!