By Lizzie Frank
It’s a sad day on campus, because Kenny Wagner has died. You personally know Kenny from the distribution you both took freshman year, Introduction to Reading. Kenny passed on a Saturday evening after consuming an unspecified amount of beer followed by 2 four lokos (blue hurricane), 18 oz. of fireball, something that appeared to resemble moonshine but with uncooked penne pasta at the bottom, and finally, 13 consecutive shots of lavender infused vodka. The saddest part of this loss, sources say, is that Kenny never made it to Zak’s post-Fall Fest party, because the entire day, by the laws of this land, were technically classified as “pregaming.”
“I knew it wasn’t going to end well,” said Josh, a housemate of the deceased, “When Kenny snapchatted me a video of him shotgunning a Miller lite. At 9am. I was like, dude, the music doesn’t even start until noon. He just responded with another shotgunning video.”
“This sucks ass,” Kenny wrote in his obituary post-mortem. “A man should be able to pregame for however long he has to. That should have been my right as an American citizen. Instead I died and now I’m washing dishes in the afterlife to pay afterlife rent while I wait for my trial date to find out if I got into Heaven or what.”
When informed citizenry that had nothing to do with alcohol poisoning, Kenny reportedly “said fuck” and “turned the hose on us.” Sucks about the dishwashing, I guess. Certainly disheartening to hear that the afterlife has an even less efficient municipal court system than the physical world. Kenny, if you can hear us from the great Bangerz in the sky, we’re pouring one out for you, bröther.
Although Kenny was no longer officially a Hofstra student, his impact on the community was unquestionable. Not only did he fuck on the Breslin kiosk so hard it had to be completely disassembled (an event he later apologized for, but that won’t get back a convenient snack between classes), he was also responsible for pissing in Bits and Bytes with such regularity the floors had to be replaced. Also, he kept stealing the bench by Mason. What the fuck dude. Like, people want to sit there. So while he will be missed, some students are glad they’ll finally get back a place to chill between class. But he will be missed. It’s just nice that bench will be there full time now.
Like, it’s a bummer that Kenny died. But also, some people were getting kinda sick of always going to sit on that bench and then finding out Kenny stole it again. Some people were getting tired of the repetitive cycle of leaving class, getting excited to chill out on that bench before their english class, and then majorly bumming out to find the bench missing for like, the third time this month. But that’s not on Kenny. Well it is, because he’s the one who kept stealing the bench. Rest in peace, is what I’m trying to say.
UPDATE: In a statement released by Hofstra University Division of Student Affairs, a memorial event for Kenny will occur outside CV Starr, where Kenny was known to smoke a fat blunt and then wander around the labrynth for a few hours. The event will feature a joint lighting ceremony and the unveiling of a memorial bench in Kenny’s honor. Joe Jonas will not be in attendance.