By: Rhubarb Canary
1: World War 2
Hell fuckin’ yeah, brother. Jesus riding a god damn tank into Warsaw blasting Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son” 27 years before it came out with a peace sign carved on his standard issue M1903. He had a vested interest in ending this war as “King of the Jews” and all, but he died in his literal first engagement with German troops. Turns out pacifism didn’t really work in the largest war known to man. Understandable, but still a let down.
2: The Civil Rights Movement of the 1960s
So we really appreciate Jesus coming through this time and all, but it was a little weird, cause the vessel he chose to inhabit was a white guy named Joshua. Honestly, it was an odd strand of white guy to choose, even given the context. Like he was on the right side and all, but he was just a little too vocal about white people and not nearly as vocal towards white people. Yes, all people are God’s children, totally. But I’m pretty sure MLK could communicate that on his own. He was a reverend. Anyway, “Josh” Christ died in Selma while trying to slide down the railing of some stairs.
3: A Metallica Concert
Not really sure what happened here. Maybe he was lost? Either way, Christ quickly went from crowd surfing over the heads of a thousand metal-addicted rock-beasts to being ripped apart limb by limb during “Master of Puppets.” The irony? That song kind of sounds like it could be about God. Jesus’s trampling was his third worst death since crucifixion, if you factor in his torture during the dark ages and that one time he got hit by a bus outside an Ikea in Cleveland. Ya know. For our sins.
4: A McDonald’s in Tulsa, Oklahoma
Jesus found himself in a real pickle while waiting in line for a McDouble, and after that he was stabbed with a knife. He just wanted something to eat, but ended up dying for our crimes against his Father once more when two homeless gentlemen broke out into a modern take on the old fashioned duel. Jesus never would have guessed this was where he was meant to end up, but God is usually pretty stern when it comes to the disposability of his only begotten son, and so the messiah caught a blade between the ribs. He bled out in Tulsa, the closest place to Hell on Earth.
5: Manifest Destiny and Westward Expansion
Jesus rode the Oregon trail in 1852, spreading the gospel among the native people, who were mostly just like “why did you turn our sacred rivers to wine?” and “why are you doing this? Why are you doing any of this?” He was bound to forge a trail all the way to the Pacific Ocean, the first and last time a holy entity would touch America’s western coast. Unfortunately, our creator had other plans, and so his son was eaten by Mormons out by the Salt Lake. They didn’t know he was Jesus or anything, it’s not some kind of conspiracy. Things were just really fucked up back then. Talk about communion, huh folks?
And the one time he didn’t: Apartheid
We were all a little let down when the Holy Trinity decided we could handle the issue of apartheid on our own. I mean, he was right, we mostly figured it out, but don’t you think it would have been done before the fucking 1990s if we just had like, some divine intervention? A smidge of assistance? Or just like, some objective oversight? God really dropped the ball here, but if we’re being honest, so did the entire South African government. America, too, probably. And the UN. Metallica Jesus is likely not without blame here, either.