By: William Faber
The new Uber aims to deliver you...from your sins.
The ride-co-opting company announced today that it would begin allowing customers to order communion wafers from select locations in Georgia, Alabama, and Hell. Drivers must register as eucharistic ministers and administer the sacrament immediately upon arrival, though customers are still expected to arrive at the vehicle promptly, and still expected not to tip. Those who wish to receive His body need only use the app’s updated sorting function, which now categorizes food options by price, liturgical denomination, and whether your Baptist roommate will do that arms-crossed-over-chest thing when he answers the door.
This change marks a radical departure from Uber’s former policy to discriminate against Christians. The car-ferrying service has said in the past that their product is a “secular experience” and that “drivers must defecate on a Bible before every ride.”
The initial reaction to the change has been largely positive. [REDACTED] Cooper, a twenty-four-year-old male residing in one of the lower levels of Hell, gave a glowing review, saying, “I thought Christianity was all mumbo jumbo until I died unexpectedly in what many have called the most tragic throw rug accident of that particular September. All of a sudden I was in Hell, Satan was confirmed real, and I had no way to atone for my sins. Then Uber comes along. Now I can receive the saving body of Christ from the comfort of my very own Eternity. I owe the app my life...my afterlife that is.” Then he winked.
“It’s brought my daughter so much closer to the faith,” says Mary-Jo [REDACTED], a devout Catholic mother. “We used to put a tracker in her car to make sure she went to mass- but then I snuck out for a smoke during the homily and caught her listening to Bread and Butter by the Newbeats in the parking lot. That had to stop. Thanks to Uber, we both get what we want: she stays home, and I don’t have to worry about Satan getting his grubby little hands on her soul.”
Other communities worry that this change may not extend to other religions and will end up excluding them. “If Christians can order the Eucharist, then why can’t Buddhists order Tsok? Or Jews order matzo?” Asked a concerned bystander who’d just looked up these foods on the website Wikipedia.
When reached for comment, Uber’s CEO, [REDACTED] [REDACTED], made an official statement while drunk off communion wine: “I was against any sort of association between religious iconography and Uber precisely to prevent these types of questions. Then Jesus came to me in a dream. He told me that I must feed all his children the bread of life. I asked him if I could charge for it and he said yes.”
Whatever the reason behind the change, this marks a huge win for all those who just couldn’t make it to Church that day, including my aunt Sue, the guys that used to chill with the Pope before he got big, and Pakistani activist Malala Yousafzai, who is Muslim.