Quiz: Would You Survive 40 Years in the Desert to Get to the Promised Land?

By Lizzie Frank

Before you even get into the desert, Moses parts the Red Sea and says if you don’t go through, you’ll be killed by the Pharaoh. You:

  1. Are afraid, but if you can’t trust the word of God’s prophet, who can you trust? You fearfully but faithfully cross the Red Sea

  2. No bro I don’t have any problem with fucking girls on their period :) haha just kidding hell yes I would skate through the red sea and grab a fish for dinner on the way

  3. Yeah, that red lingerie scene is classic, absolutely haha! Love that movie

To save the Israelites from dying in the desert, God sends magical food and drink that tastes like whatever you want. In this moment, what do you taste?

  1. Matzoh and Manischewitz

  2. Piss and also dick

  3. Popcorn! With maltesers mixed in! My favorite movie treat :-)

Moses goes to Mount Sinai for forty days and forty nights to get the Ten Commandments from God and leaves Aaron to babysit. How do you spend your unsupervised time?

  1. Balls Deep in Prayer

  2. Jacking off and smoking weed

  3. Forty years without sex? I couldn’t forty minutes without sex? The length of 2 episodes of the Office hehe :-)

Aaron asks you for your gold to make a golden calf to worship. What do you do?

  1. I trust Aaron because he’s Moses brother… Oh no… Will I regret this later?

  2. Fuck no bro this is a Rolex

  3. Gold? I spent all my money buying the DVD copy

You hear Adonai calling you “a stiffnecked people.” How do you respond?

  1. Fall to my knees and pray for forgiveness

  2. Stiff-necked? More like stiff-dicked !!!

  3. Haha totally! Some of Jane Lynch’s best work for sure.

How do you feel about sinning?

  1. Bad. I don’t want .

  2. Hell ya bro!! Sinning more like winning hehe !! #atheist #desertsux #wishmoseshaddrownedasababyandtheegyptianprincesshadnevertakenhimoutofthatbasket #lolz

  3. Well, it’s R-rated so I guess

You got: Mostly 1’s

Sorry! You will not live to see the Promised Land. Way to go on your religious devotion, but God actually carded everybody at the entrance and only Jews who weren’t even forty fucking years old were allowed to enter. If it makes you feel any better, you were probably slaughtered waaaaay earlier, like by the evil chicken thing or maybe the Levites after that whole golden calf conniption. Probably you just wandered away from the group to pray and ended up dying of thirst!! So that’s cool.

You got: Mostly 2’s

Hey you party animal!! Way to go!… on definitely not surviving 40 years in the desert. You couldn’t even survive one quiz without cracking open a strawberita there’s no way you could make it through the desert for 40 years. No pornhub in the wasteland, baby. Don’t even try it.

You got: Mostly 3’s

Wow! You went through this entire quiz thinking it was about Judd Apatow’s The 40-Year-Old-Virgin starring Steve Carell. Congrats on having the worst reading comprehension I’ve ever seen, and I used to tutor dyslexic babies. Do you even know the difference between desert and dessert? You would NOT survive 40 years in the desert to make it to the promised land, and you absolutely would not survive the lifetime of slavery that would precurse it. You’d try to read the stone tablets and end up rolling a joint, fucking stoner ass. Seth Rogen DO NOT interact.