Telling My Dad I'm Spider-Man

I was finally able to confess to my dad that I'm actually Spider-Man. I know what you're thinking: “Oh but, uhhh, Peter Parker is Spider-Man.” Well he's not okay? I am. I know I am because I've recently acquired superhuman abilities that are unmistakably spider-oriented. My dad wouldn't believe me at first, so I had to show him.

“Dad,” I said, “I'm Spider-Man.”

He laughed, but it was a laugh full of condescending disbelief. “That's great son.”

“No, dad, I'm actually Spider-Man, I'm super serious…”

He rolled his eyes, “Ooookaaayyy son, whatever you say.”

Insolent fool! For his disbelief I performed a feat of power for him. As he sat in his lazy boy recliner (as all father be doin’), I shoved the tips of my fingers onto the drywall of our living room, but I did it slowly and spider-ly. I began to climb up the wall until I reached the ceiling, then I crawled about the ceiling like a lizard, I mean… like a spider that crawls like a lizard. I've looked it up several times on WebMD (hehe, web — spider, hehe) and the result for symptoms such as “wall crawling ability” were all the same: “I guess you must be Spider-Man, awwww shit.” It said it right there on the web (hehe) page. Sure my head twitched at impossible speeds, and probably even turned 360 degrees once or thrice, but I figured this was just my spider sense. 

Now, with the help of WebMD (hehe) on my side, my father believed me. He looked up at me with fear and anguish, and… regret? I don't know why, your son is Spider-Man bro, that's, like, the Achievement of a lifetime.

“Oh… wow… son, you… are Spider-Man! Yeah, wow…” he said, putting away his red book with the human skin-leather cover (his favorite). Later that night was interesting. While practicing my new wall crawling abilities, I decided to spy on my dad from his upstairs bedroom. He was being weird. He was in his silk bathrobe, the black and red one with the goat horn hood, which was normal. But he was drawing something on the floor, and he was crying, and that was definitely weird.

Ever since I told him I was Spider-Man he's seemed down, I don't understand, even after I saved him last week when his car was hanging off the edge of a cliff. I don't know how it got there, nor do I remember how I got there, but I did save him.

“Looks like this Path-finder is a cliff-hanger now!” I said in Spider-Man quip fashion as I used my newfound superhuman strength to pull the car back up. It was so easy! I could've done it in my sleep!

I think he was kinda happy about that, he must've been really proud, cause he was crying tears of joy on the ride home. “Why! Why! What have I done!” he was saying.

Obviously he was in disbelief of what an amazing Spider-Son he created. I won't lie, I'm still working on the web slinging part, but I can vomit acid and spiders at will, so I guess that's close enough. When I asked my dad about it he said, “Why… of course son! Everyone knows the REAL Spider-Man can vomit live spiders! That's like… one of his best powers…” he said before getting emotional.

He's been reading his book a lot more often now. I’ve asked him about it and he just says “I've made a horrible mistake.” I guess he lost whichever page he was on.

Other than superhuman speed and strength, I'm also near invincible, like I just can't die. Recently I was shot in the head, burned alive, stabbed multiple times, and run over, twice by the neighbors and once by my dad (which was definitely an accident). It’s pretty neat! Oh yeah and this is weird, there is one thing that seems to still get me. We went to communion and for whatever reason the holy water burned my flesh. I asked my dad, and he said “Why, of course son. Didn't you know? Spider-Man’s one weakness is actually holy water!”

A small price for the power to cleanse mankind of its sins!