A lot of people referto sections like this one as the Frequently Asked Questions page, but we like to refer to this as the Frequently Answer Queries page. We do this for two reasons: for one, we believe that no question should remain a question, but rather should be answered and resolved or quickly dismissed as heresy. Evolution is a theory, do you people get that? Do you understand that? Just goofin'! This is a school that loves to have fun. Hofstra's chill. And actually, the second reason for our radical nomenclature comes down to exactly that: We're chill. We're different. We aren't NYU, but we say that with our heads held high! We aren't UPenn! Fuck no! We aren't Dartmouth! We aren't Columbia! We aren't Fordham! We aren't Drexel! We aren't even Stony Brook! Get used to it, friends. This is your life now.

1. So what exactly does it mean to be a part of the Hofstra Pride?

Well, it's actually pretty complicated. Did you know we only recently became “the Pride?” Were you aware that up until September, 17, 2001, we were the Flying Dutchmen, before it was inexplicably changed? So I guess to me, personally, being a member of the Pride is about being a member of a group that encourages self-betterment and metamorphosis, but also keeps in mind that there's a status quo and standards to be maintained. You can have fun, of course you can, but remember that people are watching, and what they see and think and believe about you will shape your experiences in this world. This isn't New Jersey Technical Institute. This is Hofstra. We're a non-profit. We're a national arboretum. Soldiers are buried here.

2. What's all this Welcome Week business?

Welcome Week is your first official week as a true student here at Hofstra! It lasts from September 1st to November 22nd Turkey Holiday, and boy, are we excited for you to see what's in store! Since Hofstra was chill enough to put it's foot down about religious days of worship – more or less stating that they're for delusional sheep who can't stand to face their own mortality and insignificance on this grain of sand we call home – we've had to stretch out a lot of these ice breakers and introductory funny times across about 10 or 11 weeks. That seems a bit much, but don't blame us, you're gonna have to take it up with the big man upstairs. (His name is Stuart, but don't call him that). On the bright side, Welcome Week is going to provide you with friends and memories that will remain with you for the entirety of your college years. Try not to make eye contact with that dude you wandered around the Club Fair with! Remember your roommate from orientation? Of course you do! He's a part of you now! Remember, though: just as this first week is gonna last two months, these first two months of college are gonna feel like they went by in a week. It's hard to believe that man with all his flaws came up with time, which is so perfect. Fleeting, always fleeting. But perfect.

3. Is Welcome Week mandatory?

Is brushing your teeth? Is eating a meal? Are scoliosis check-ups?

Delete your account.

4. What if I'm a commuting student?

If you're a commuting student, you need not worry;: a vigil will be held in your honor. Is that what you wanted? To feel special? You think you're better than me because you can drive, right? Like all of a sudden I'm some kind of idiot? If you're so good at driving, then you should be absolutely elated to get in a little more practice. You're purposely paying less tuition to drastically enhance your ecological footprint, and you want us to feel bad for you? I think it's time for you to wake up. This is the real world. This is the world of adults. But yes, please come to Welcome Week.


5. Who are the KIDZ BOP Kids and how does KIDZ BOP cast the group?

KIDZ BOP recently held a nationwide casting call to find a new group of talented young performers to sing on the KIDZ BOP albums, star in TV commercials and & music videos and travel North America as part of the KIDZ BOP Kids live tour. Thousands of kids from across the country auditioned and KIDZ BOP had the tough job of narrowing it down to cast these four singing and& dancing phenoms. To learn more about the KIDZ BOP Kids, check out their bio pages. http://kidzbop.com/kids/

Kidzbop douche
Kidzbop douche

6. Should transfer students attend Welcome Week?

Hmm. Well, I guess it depends. Are you transferring because you were laughed right off of your old campus for being the way you are? If so, you should know better by now. Go ahead and come if you're willing to embarrass yourself., Ootherwise , just stay where you are. I get it, you're probably from Iowa or Japan or someplace boring, but these big city lights look just as nice in photos. Save a few bucks and consider technical school. Also you're probably like, what, 38? Do your kids and the rest of us a favor and look up University of Phoenix some time if you're really that serious about completing your bachelor's in Creative Writing.

7. Do I have to pay to attend Welcome Week?

Your $250 Orientation fee covers welcome week as well, but don't you start worrying about money quite yet. You see, when you're at Hofstra you'll be using a little something called, uh, Pride Bucks? Pride Points? Dutchmen's Doubloons? Whatever they're called, they're going to give you a whole new appreciation for what it means to budget and work within an economic marketplace that is frankly fucking dystopian. It basically works like this: When I was in 5th grade, my class went to a week-long retreat in the heart of Texas called Camp Kappe, a Catholic camp for Catholic children like me and you. On the last day we were there, everybody from five schools was split up into various groups based on a drawing from a hat, which is apparently also how public schools get funding. (Just kidding! The actual process is way more fucked up). The different groups were given a different number of things with which to barter or use for nutrition– basically, we all had to assemble, through bartering or begging or buying, the ingredients and supplies for cooking rice and vegetables. By luck of the draw, I was a refugee. That meant that my group had zero supplies to start with, and had to rely on the kindness of others as we went from one makeshift house to the next, begging our peers for lunch. A few kids gave us their scrap supplies, which was mostly just handfuls of rice for us to stick in our filthy refugee pockets. Needless to say, God fucked us,; so we just stole stuff. I stole a kids bowl! Truthfully, I kind of just picked up some discarded trash and ate from it, but it felt like sin, baby. Aaron, the other fat white kid that got r途andomly ?chosen to go without snacks for a whole day, stole an entire bowl of food that was more or less untouched. In fact, Aaron ate two portions of Filipino Birthday Stew, as one of the parents who was chaperoning us gave him another bowl full of food. That was a nice gesture by my friend Mark's dad, but that guy wants to kill Will Smith now. My friend Mark's dad thinks he knows what needs to be done for the good of this country, and he has no qualms about doing the job himself if need be.

This lesson about the personal rewards of helping others and putting yourself in someone else's shoes only panned out about halfway when it came to us refugees: weput ourselves in the shoes of those less-fortunate, and realized that all crime is justified if the alternative is death and needless suffering. We further noted that crime and violence is especially justified when enacted against the state, for their construction of a zero-sum system and also for being fucks.

Now, that was kind of an exaggeration at the beginning, that isn't really how our campus economy works. Obviously I was joking, just telling a bit of a tale. That being said, your time here will be – and I can't stress enough how real I'm being right now – a slow and steady blood lettingbloodletting from beginning to end.

Kill Will Smith perhaps
Kill Will Smith perhaps

8. Can we bring food from home?

Please try not to.