From Nonsense 4 Kidz
An Open Letter To Our Beloved Readers:
Hi everyone welcome to this issue of Nonsense Humor. I’m sure you’re just as thrilled to be reading this as much as you usually are. Thanks again for supporting us and thinking we are so funny and good. And beautiful.
Anyway we wrote this issue specifically with the thought in mind that one day, a real life child would read it. With that being said, you should not, under any circumstances, show this to a child. We’ve taken the liberty of splitting up this editorial into 2 sections; one rated “G” for “Gchildren,” and one rated R for “Rad-ults”. This way, the kids still get something to read, and it’s fun for the whole family. Liike the naughty jokes in Fairly Odd Parents, or a Friendly’s that also serves beer.
Okay so here’s the one for you kiddies! (If you’re reading this KidzBop, give us a call!)
(Drum n bass intro)
(Verse 1) My name is Snuffy and I’m here to say Drugs are bad in a really big way! Don’t do drugs because if you do, Jesus will come after you.
(Verse 2) Ayyyy! My name is Jesus and i’m here to say, I just rose up on Easter Sunday! I had enough strength to break out of my tomb, So I better not find any weed in your room!
(Chorus) Stay in school! Keep your body safe! You’ve got nothing to lose if you just play sports! Ride a bike! Swim in a lake! Do anything besides things that are bad! Hofstra Summer Camp: Enroll now! Christ....out!
Okay, so now that we’ve got that shit out of the way, you kids can fuck off now. We’re serious. If you read the mommy and daddy section of the editorial, I swear to god we’ll find out.
Now for the boring grown-up shit. Nonsense is pretty much the same as it ever was, and by that we mean we are still suffering the slings and arrows of misfortune directed at us by the bureaucratic mess that is Hofstra’s administration. This time we deadass got censored by Res Life for “promoting a culture of negative self-esteem in the dorms” That’s hilarious, because there is no culture in the dorms, unless you count the ones growing on all the gross ass food that Matt leaves sitting out in his little rat’s nest of a bed area. Unbelievable. But yeah we got censored and that is some bullshit but it’s okay because my RA just got fired, lmao R.I.P. Jaymie. At least she was always good to us.
But, hey, the good news is we’re printing this out on paper! The Chronicle might have told you in its club spotlight about us that we want your jokes, but we like to think we’ve done a pretty good job on our own. We’ve managed to include some cute little popsicle stick jokes on each spread and because we don’t need to bore you with more long, drawn-out articles, we’ve even got some games in this one. Zach also tried out their hand at drawing some portraits of us after the wonderful job that Heather did last time (let’s see if they compare!). If that shit isn’t enough, we’re even handing out 250-some complimentary packs of crayons with this issue. Our students are just so creative!
Moral of the story? Fuck, I don’t know. Don’t do drugs and then maybe end up with a real major, doing real things instead of writing for a college humor magazine? Also if you write for the Odyssey Online get a real internship because I’m tired of seeing everyone’s wrong and bad opinions online. Jesus.
Zach and Heather <3