Hey Jeremy, remember high school? Anyway, my mom says I have to invite you to my sweet 21st Extravaganza with performances by Bon Jovi. I’ve decided to follow her wish as I don’t really know anyone else that would be able to handle the responsibility of getting to my house. Well, I can think of some but I like them more than you.
1. Begin your journey on a full moon
My birthday party will not be taking place on a full moon, it will be taking place on a waxing crescent as was foretold by the prophecy, but if you want any chance of getting to my house you have to start on a full moon. Many say a journey during a full moon will be marred by tragedy and great loss, but honestly, you’re being a goddamn baby, IT’S FINE. There might be wolves but they’re invited to the party so don’t be weird about it okay?
2. Answer the Sphinx’s riddle incorrectly, and then see your own death
Kevin is kind of an asshole but it’s just because he doesn’t have a lot of friends. He is not invited to my birthday party, but he will ask for the location of my house. This is his riddle. Make sure you don’t fall into his trap, because inviting a plus one to a party without RSVPing is rude. After you give Kevin the wrong directions he will allow you to stare into his eyes and see your own death. It’s a real treat to see your own death! I have seen your death many times, so the novelty has kind of worn off, but I bet you’ll love it.
3. Remember to stop by a Toys R Us to pick up my birthday gift
Don’t get too caught up in the vision of your own demise, you have several more directions to follow if you want any chance of getting a chance to use the bouncy castle at my birthday party. I sent everyone my wish list in 2014, but I know you haven’t gotten me a gift yet, which is fine because there is a Toys R Us on the way to my house! I want a red 5 speed Huffy, it is exactly $219 without tax. Get me a receipt, because I will return this gift.
4. Assemble my Red 5-speed Huffy
What did you think you were just going to hand me a box? Honestly why did I even invite you to my birthday? You might need to buy a toolbox, but that’s okay there’s a Home Depot next to the Toys R Us, so you can put my bike together. Do not ride my bike! DO NOT!!
5. Choose which of your parents you love less
Are you still thinking about the vision of your life fading away leaving nothing but an empty husk? Get over it Jeremy, you’re almost at my party! To get to my party you will come across a fork in the road where both your parents are arguing. I’m just curious which of your parents you love less, no one really thinks about it until you’re actually asked, isn’t that weird? Don’t tell your mom about my party, your dad is already invited.
6. Turn right onto Front Street and keep on until morning
Your GPS is going to want you to get on the parkway but that really makes no goddamn sense. The best way is to take a right onto front street and then keep driving until dawn. You will be offered a chance to save your loved one by the ghost of your ex business partner Phillip Marley. Keep driving, I don’t have time for you to rediscover yourself through a night with three ghosts, it’s my birthday not your Christmas Miracle.
7. Wow is that my party in the distance or just a mirage?
It’s a mirage. A mirage of all you have to lose, the last moments you will exist on this plane, trapped inside of a red and blue bouncy castle. What is waiting for you at the end of this dark road? Are you willing to continue on this journey… should you?
8. Inform my neighbors of your intentions
My neighbors totally know there is going to be a party, but they aren’t fully aware of the unfortunate events that may soon befall our sunny little town once you make your entrance. Repeat this number sequence to them: 7, 56, 98, 21, 6, 77. They know what is coming, they know about the bouncy castle, they know about you.
9. Call Sarah from 9th grade and tell her you liked her
Listen I am so tired of you being such a baby about this! You liked Sarah since we were in 9th grade, and now I’m 21!! Sarah loves the bouncy castle, and bikes. DO NOT GIVE HER MY BIKE, we have discussed this. Sarah deserves to be prepared, and honestly maybe this will shut her up about my parties color scheme. I have implanted Sarah’s number into the tire of my Red Huffy, so you’ll have to disassemble and reassemble that before you show up at my house.
10. Welcome to my party!!!!!!!!
Wow it’s so good that you’re here!! I guess it’s fine that you bought me a stupid bike, just put it in the tire fire next to the bouncy castle. Leave the gift receipt in the bouncy castle, I’ll grab it when everyone gets here. Bon Jovi performs at 9, but we’ll see what plane of existence your soul is presently tied to when that time comes. Have fun!!