This is Charles Bukkake reporting to you live from outside of Au Bon Pain. We’re here today with the infamous “Leather Man” who has been standing outside, shouting at innocent people simply looking to purchase their units of asiago.
“I know you guys are hiding the good shit! Why can’t you just give me what I want?!” he says, throwing small zip-lock bags full of an indiscernible orange liquid at the esteemed restaurant.
“So what exactly is your mission here, Mr. Leather?”
“This so-called ‘establishment” is hiding behind the front that is food services, when in all reality, they accept large sums of cash to beat the shit out of any willing student. Listen. I took a french class in middle school, I know what the fuck I’m talking about. ‘Au bon’ means of good. Au Bon Pain. Of good pain.”
“And you believe this is worth the effort of visiting this unassuming corner store eighty three times a week?”
“I really fucking need this, man. I want them to make me hurt so good. Why can’t they just cut the shit and punch me in the stomach? I have the meal plan points!”
“You know, we actually spoke to the owner of the widely popular mom and pop shop. He had only this to say, ‘We sell asiago. Whole bunches of it. And soup. We sell that too. We do not, however, sell beatings. These are obviously the ramblings of a delusional man who just does not have enough Hofstra pride. We’re a family owned business after all.’ Any thoughts on the matter?”
“Don’t tell me you actually believed that crusty wangus. These Long Islanders are all the same. It’s no wonder they call their team the Islanders. Look, between you and me, pal, there’s a crisp Benjamin that’s looking for a new home in your warm cloth pocket if you were to put a slide whistle in my urethra. I could even give you a second Benjamin to keep that first Benjamin company if you were to also blast an audio recording of my aunt inside of my ear drums, agitating them to the point at which they’d bleed… oh come on, we could call it the Sound of Music! What is your problem dude?”
“I...well...there will be much to discuss after this interview, sir. What’s that? Yeah, cut this bit out. Moving on. Assuming these ‘ruffians cut the shit and lick my split’ as you eloquently put it, what would you have them do?”
“I would pay top dollar for anyone who tickles my retinas with this toothbrush shank, but I’d rather have it professionally done; professionals such as these guys. Look...I really fucking need this, man, I deserve it. I’ve been so naughty. No, literally, I illegally downloaded some music back in ‘07. That’s pretty fucked up. That at least merits a good flogging, right? Please.”
“So let’s clear this up for the fans. You like pain; is that correct?”
“You know, back in the day, I used to purposely fuck up around the house so my dad would spank me. God, those were the days. No one does it like he used to. I really miss him. Like, really miss him. My wife just couldn’t match up. It’s a damn shame too, her tuna casserole wasn’t so bad, if you catch my drift.”
For the record, we did not “catch” his “drift”. This is Charles Bukkake, news at eleven.