Yes, you read that correctly. No, I’m not going to post it. Don’t ask me about it again.
Here I was, reading my daily horoscope in the paper when I noticed it. I’m a Scorpio (and shut the fuck up before you say anything to me about that), but after dating Mitch for two weeks I thought it was about time that I begin projecting some pre-determined characteristics onto him, so I went to read his Sagittarius horoscope and there it was. I could hardly believe I hadn’t noticed it before.
Now, I’ve been into Astrology for quite some time, but I’ve never really been as committed to it as I am after this. In this new world of revelation, I know that every word of it is fucking true, and I’m freaking out.
My ex was a Cancer, and we never got around to fucking (if you must know), but you better believe I messaged her to ask if her breasts had ridges both above and below them that formed The Sign Of The Crab.
She blocked me on all forms of social media after that, but I am nothing if not resilient. I managed to track down her ex and got the details: as it turns out, she totally does look that way. It’s a little fucked up if you think about it, I guess. (but so is the bow thing? I’m not even gonna describe to you what sex is like, but don’t necessarily take that to mean that it’s all bad!)
Anyways, I’ve taken this all to mean that Astrology is 100% real. I mean, there’s no way this could ALL be a coincidence right? People always say that Astrology only works because it’s all written just broadly enough, but there’s no possible way that could explain any of this, right? Also: all of my horoscopes have been coming true.
Like last week, I was told that I’d be facing a big problem, and it happened! Turns out I have anal fissures. Monday, I was told that I’d be facing a big storm, and if you catch my drift, that big storm ejaculated all over my face. Tuesday’s just said: “You’re gonna have sex with your boyfriend’s freaky dick.” Most of my horoscopes seem to center around my boyfriend’s abnormal penis, but I’m past it. I love Mitch, and I especially love his weird cock.
And if you’re curious, here’s today’s horoscope:
“Dark clouds looms over you, Scorpio. This could involve a person in your love life, or someone with which you have been very intimate with, but it is certain that injury will come your way, and you may face certain death by impalement.”