Choosing the Perfect Gift For Your Shithead Dad

Father’s Day: celebrating the special dude who was more like an older brother— no, more like a younger brother— no, more like a son of your own who you had to cook for, clean up after, and teach how to file taxes and read chapter books. It can be a little hard to choose the perfect gift for the guy who eats dry cereal for dinner because we ran out of milk 10 days ago. Struggle no further! Below is a compilation of all the best gifts that say hey, thanks for… showing me that Planet Earth documentary when I was 7 and then falling asleep right before all the lions started ripping into the gazelle…

4. The secret 13th season of The Big Bang Theory

It’s actually just footage from the 11th season that I edited new audio over, but he’ll never know the difference. Pros: puts him into a psychedelic trance that will hold his attention for hours. Cons: Unironically the most annoying thing I have ever had to experience. Also it takes a lot of time to dub over a season of episodes, which is 70 episodes long for no explainable reason.

3. Pick up his prescriptions from CVS

This is a gift that is truly so thoughtful, because it shows how you went out of your— Holy shit the copay is $213?? All this just for some adult acne cream? And… that’s a lot of THC pills. Wow. Yeah, that explains it. He can just come pick this up for himself, actually.

2. Dick’s Sporting Goods Gift Card

I don’t know what he would want with a gift card for sporting goods. The only time he gets out of breath is screaming at the other cars on the highway before he realizes the WRONG WAY sign was directed at him. He hasn’t bought a new pair of shoes in at least 5 years, but whatever. Maybe the weight of having a gift card to Dick’s Sporting Goods in his wallet keeps him grounded to his masculinity. Maybe he just wants to be allowed to have something that says Dick on it.

1. A family-sized bag of cheetos and a box of double-stuff oreos

It’s the only thing that’ll give him any real joy, anyway. Might as well pick him up a new phone charger, too. And we’re out of skim milk… Now I’m just doing the grocery shopping. You’re welcome, dad.

At the end of the day, Father’s Day isn’t about the gifts you give your dad. It’s about the trauma that he gave to you. So this Father’s Day, I’m inviting you to make the celebration about yourself instead. Take his credit card and go out for a burger. If you’re feeling especially magnanimous, bring home the cold fries. If there’s one thing Dads love, it’s cold fries. They also love Alton Brown. And Jethro Tull. Here, dad, I made you a coupon for a free backrub. But keep a close eye on it, or else I’m going to smuggle it out of your wallet when I go to put your credit card back. No exchanges. No refunds.