Underpaid Student Employee Can't Wait To Starve Outside $30M Administrative Building

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By Zachary Johnson

Adding that it's great Hofstra has finally got some money to spend, Hofstra University Student and RSR Emily Baum said she very much looks forward to sitting her pallid, shrinking corpse on the benches outside the new Frank G. Zarb School of Business and praying that manna descends from the heavens to nourish her. Or, in a total dream scenario, that her University employer at least starts paying her minimum wage.

"I was flinging my way through the ABP garbage bins and wondering how I'm going to pay my utility bills when I heard the news," Baum says, with a faint voice. "I almost dropped the cigarette butts I was saving for lunch, I was so thrilled! Finally, a place on this campus where administrators can have nice offices!"

Baum, whose lack of a car prevents her from working somewhere with better pay, thinks the school made a great choice.

"You know, Hofstra takes these decisions very seriously; they're just so good at providing the right resources to the student body," Baum says. "We don't need new dormitories that have working facilities, sturdy walls, and a lack of bug infestations. We don't need better food, or cheaperfood. We need $2 million dollar renovations of Fraternity hangout spaces, we need well-paid college presidents, and, most of all, this brand new building where Hofstra students can make the most of their administrators having really comfortable places to avoid doing paperwork on time. Hofstra just gets it."

In a report on the new 30 Million Dollar Building by the Hofstra Chronicle, students are encouraged to "make their mark and become a part of the Zarb school forever" by taking the exciting oppourtunity to "sign a steel beam that will be used in the construction of the new building."

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"Wow, really? That's so nice of them to think of us," said the current RSR as she compares prices of textbooks for next semester to the total cost of eating three meals every day this week. "It's inspiring to think that if Hofstra could come up with 30 Million Dollars to spend on a building, maybe I'll be able to make rent work this month?"