By: Ben Fletcher
If you’re a true Star Wars fan, you know that a lot of the movies suck. As soon as a new movie is announced, you and all your friends go right back to hypothesizing the various ways these next two hours will make your childhood ache. You do it every time. There has never been a Star Wars movie that's lived up to any real fan's expectations; not the prequels, not the new trilogy, and most certainly not the original trilogy, which blindsided viewers by existing at a time when movies like Tron and The Godfather seemed good. As an avid consumer of the George Lucas sci-fi movie powerhouse, I pride myself on never being satisfied or enjoying anything having to do with it, because I know how good this series could be if they would just do everything that I say. Here's the top 5 reasons Star Wars: The Last Jedi blows Tonton dick.
No Jar Jar Binks – Absolutely not one scene with Jar Jar in it in this one folks. Once again, the most easily lovable and impactful character in the whole franchise is left COMPLETELY OUT of this new trilogy. Not only is this a dumb move, as Jar Jar’s special talents in speaking and being tall could really have been utilized for many of this movie’s major plot points, such as the infamous shelf scene, but it’s also completely disrespectful to cast him out like he's some sort of Ewok trash. I'm not saying it's racist, I wouldn't at all know how to express that thought adequately. But it certainly feels racist. If you think getting rid of Mr. Binks is going to make your movie any good, then, well, in the words of Jar Jar himself: “you got meesa fucked up.”
Mark Hamill shit himself during one of the scenes and you could definitely tell – This was uncomfortable for everyone in the theater, and surely on set as well. For those who haven't seen the newest installment, there's a scene directly following the car chase where Luke is trying to use the force on the top of this mountain, because that's like Sudoku to him I guess. But the only thing actor Mark Hamill forced out was a shart the size of Jar Jar's forearm. They tried to edit out the sound, and they did a pretty good job of it, but you simply can’t edit out the look on a man’s face when he realizes he ripped his ass wide open in front of a million fresh-faced tweens who don't know who Carrie Fisher is. Actually, they probably could have edited that out too.
The kid behind me wouldn’t stop gasping with excitement – This little normie-ass dumbass wouldn’t stop oohing and ahhing every time something riddled his imagination with wonder and excitement. You should have heard the way he kept asking his mom about if space is really that big, and if it's anyone's job to explore it, and if he could do that some day. It’s like, dude, shut up. You're a fake ass fan and everyone in the theater knows it. Frankly, it really took me out of the experience of regretting all the money I'd spent on this steaming pile of cinematic Wookie dookie, as well as all the posters and shirts and figurines, to hear this poser basically podcast with his mom for half an hour about what it means to feel joy.
My girlfriend broke up with me – Not even an 8th of the way through the movie, my (now ex) girlfriend decided that she wasn’t nearly smart or pretty enough to be with me, and texted me that she was kicking me out of her apartment so she could try to improve herself to be better for me. I understood because I’m very understanding, but what I couldn’t understand was why she thought it was a good idea, of all things, to text me while I’m at literally the worst movie of all time. If that wasn’t a tell-tale sign that we shouldn’t be together, maybe the fact that she kept asking me to pay rent should’ve been. Princess Leia she is not. It really ruined the first half of the movie, or however far in we got before
The projector and screen blew up – I don’t know if this is some new wave, 4D immersion bullshit or whatever, but at what had to be the 3/4th mark of the "film," the screen quite literally exploded, sending chunks of drywall and imagination flying everywhere. What was that supposed to accomplish? Was the audience supposed to feel like we were the ones being shot at? I already felt like they were trying to kill me when they made Mark Hamill play his own girlfriend like Eddie Murphy in Norbit. The only good part was that it ended the movie much quicker, and caused somebody or something to go flying into just my corneas, blindng me. Now I don’t ever have to be disappointed by one of these movies again. But I will. And I can't wait.