By: Lizzie Frank
It’s that time of year again! Time to drop hundreds of dollars on under appreciated gifts for people you don’t even like that much! And no, I’m not talking about Christmas Eve or Hanukkah Part 2. Oh no, no, no. This is a much more sacred holiday event. That’s right, it’s ChristmASS, the annual, obligatory office holiday party where your supervisor Christine gets drunk off her ass, holds everyone at gunpoint, dies, and gets brought back to life using a half-working AED and 8 vending machine grape sodas. Word on the street this year is that your manager Patrice is giving out iTunes gift cards, and apparently 50% of them are actually going to have money on them this year. Very cool. Last year, your coworker Anita gave birth in the break room after everyone yelled at her, which really roused the whole office into that old school Christmas spirit, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen again this year, so the floor opted for a Secret Santa instead. You drew Jeff from Marketing, and that dude is such a cool cat that you just have to get him something brilliant! Well, if you don’t know where to begin, this is the gift guide for you.
Frame Him For Murder
This isn’t a gift you see often, but I can’t fathom why! This holiday season, get your loved one (Jeff) the once in a lifetime experience of going on the run from the FBI for a murder he knows he didn’t commit. After telling your co-worker Jeff you’d do anything for him, break into his house late at night and plant an incriminating piece of evidence -- perhaps a bloody murder weapon! When he calls you the next morning to beg for help, put him in touch with a hardened survival expert who will give him the fear of God and a busted car with 100 grams of cocaine stashed in the glove compartment. For an additional kick, get the gift receiver (Jeff) blackout drunk the night before, so that when he wakes up the next morning to find a bloody knife and cadaver in bed with him, he’ll have no clue if he’s actually killed or not! That’s like something straight out of a good book!
If Jeff has never been on a horse before, he’s gonna lose his mind! He’ll love it. Horses are one of the most underrated animal gifts in America, a baffling drop-off from the 1950s, I imagine. Picture this: everyone’s gathered in the break room to exchange presents. You come up behind Jeff and gently cover his eyes with your hands. “Guess who?” you say, playfully. He guesses that it’s Mark, the custodian, and then it becomes kind of obvious that he doesn’t know what your hands feel like at all. Embarrassing, yes, but you will make up for this. You lead him into the elevator, and then outside onto the chilly street. You uncover his eyes, and that’s when he sees it: a big ass horse just chilling on the sidewalk. I guarantee it, Jeff will lose his mind! Can you imagine Jeff riding into work every day on a glorious, 17 hands high, chestnut quarter horse? It sounds like I made some of that up, but I promise you that’s the size of the horse. Can you imagine Jeff coming out of the elevator on the back of a horse? The whole office will be sooooooooo jealous man, you don’t even know. Everyone’s gonna want to get you as their Secret Santa after this.
Foreclose His House
Oh my god can you even imagine? Thanksgiving was a month ago, but Jeff’s gonna be so thankful for this he won’t know what to do! Sure, you’ll have to pull some strings with your uncle who works at Jeff’s bank, but it’ll be totally worth it to free Jeff from his mortgage on that hellish 1400 square foot split-level shit shack. He’s always complaining about his raccoon infestation and his noisy neighbors, so this gift will eventually be a godsend! He’ll come home from Hit the Quan-za (Chelsea from HR is really into holiday inclusion this year) thinking all you got him was a horse, and then bam! He sees the foreclosure sign on his lawn. That night you can come over, just to let him know that you’ll do anything to him. Maybe you two will have a couple drinks, like way more than he planned on having, and eventually, with your encouragement, perhaps he’ll fall into a deep rest. And, as his eyes begin to flutter like REM sleep cherubim, you’ll tuck him in and run your hands through his hair. Would Mark the custodian do this for Jeff? Hell no. Now go to the car and get the supplies, it’s cadaver time baby! Nothing beats the experience of running from both the law and a side of yourself you weren’t sure existed, but try this one on for size: now you (Hypothetical Jeff) have have nowhere to go because your home has been foreclosed, and your real best friend, Mark, lives out of a Volkswagen bus. Now you know exactly how Jeff feels, and so you understand just how important it is to gaslight him into thinking you had never even come over. Just wait, though, you’re gonna be getting some serious kudos, because let’s just say that between 2,000 pounds of body heat and a top speed of 26 knots, that horse in the parking lot is suddenly looking pretty sweet.
A Stunning Diamond Inlay Xbox One
Fellas, is it gay to buy your bro a diamond laden Xbox One? I don’t think so! Sure, Jeff is less of a brother and more of a co-worker whose hands you know better than your own, but hey, if you’re gonna go big, go massive. This gift will be perfect for him, especially because these next-gen consoles all need WiFi and a television and a house with electricity to really enjoy them. It’ll really be initiative for him to get back on his feet! Jeff loves FIFA, that’s what he was playing at last year’s Hit the Quan-ukkah (Chelsea from HR is also really lazy) while Claude was printing out scans of his bare, port wine ass to hang all over the office. FIFA is apparently great on Xbox One, so Jeff will have a jolly ol’ time once he finally pieces together that fateful, forgotten night and gains the strength to start his life anew.
The Couch Your Coworker Anita Gave Birth On Last Year
This is the perfect item to present Jeff with when he comes around to your place, begging to crash in your living room for just a few nights. He’s already asked most of your other coworkers, even a certain gruff someone whose home is a giant, rolling ecological footprint. But if he thinks they’re going to let him sleep on any of their couches, he’s dead wrong! They’ve read about the knife and the busker’s body by now, ha ha. Ride over to the office with him and help him push the couch out of the break room and into the alley a few streets. Nobody in the office will miss it anyway; it’s still got some weird stains from where Anita pushed a fatherless mess(iah) out through her pearly gates. Hopefully those stains will remind Jeff of the miracle of human conception, and not Claude’s ass, inspiring him to get back to his goal of becoming a father and a homeowner and a man who knows for sure if he’s ever used a knife to make life stop.
Get Him Very Ill
Be careful when giving this gift; it’s a little political. I mean, Jeff’s a guy with a lot of privilege, isn’t he? What gift is better than the experience of finding yourself locked in a hospital quarantine ward, void of any attention or human contact, with walls and sheets and lights as obnoxiously bright as your own skin. Jeff will love getting to find out how many of his friends are fake, based on how many never come to visit despite literally living in a Volkswagen bus. And this’ll really open his eyes to the healthcare issues that are so important in America right now, especially once he has to start paying off those bills without the help of a healthcare provider. Admitting yourself to the ER with a freshly shaved head and no proof of insurance or identification? Gutsy. But it will really teach him a lesson for that time he missed the company showing of Michael Moore’s Sicko! And the murder.
They’re soooo cheap now