I Am The Fire Marshal And I Will Shut Down Late Night Breakfast

By Jesse Saunders

I am the Fire Marshal, I control the fire, I started years ago as a simple Fire Man, but now I am the Marshal. I am the Fire Marshal and I will shut down late night breakfast. These students shove the pasta shells into their mediocre mouths, disgracing the fire, breakfast and most importantly me. There are not enough exits for of all these children. They will not be able to escape this room if I lose control of my fire, if I lose control of her none of them will find an exit. Exits… Is that what this is for you, Sofia?

Are you aware of the capacity limit of the Hofstra Student Center Café, Sofia? Are you aware that any more than 531 people is a fire hazard, Sofia? Oh, sweet Sofia I must end this before it gets out of hand. For too long you have let the students run about, shoving breakfast foods into their soft mouths far after the sun had set and bottomless brunch had ended. If the moon is shining, fires may be about and if you do not practice safety standards I cannot fight them.

Sofia, I counted the heads last semester, I saw what you did. You whispered in my ear that you were a commuter school; you banned candles from the dorm, you were oh so careful, but you threw it all away. My insane Dean of Students, did you think I would not discovery your transgression? Did you not think I would be offended by the lack of orange juice on the table? You allowed over 1,372 students to enter that stain of a cafeteria between the hours of 9:47 PM and 12:04 AM the following morning. It is important that I reiterate to you these are not the hours in which my body can digest eggs in their rawest form, scrambled.

Why must we play this game? What have I done to you? Was it my response time on the last Bits and Bytes Rendezvous? There was an orphanage on fire, I let them burn for Hofstra, I am not sorry.

This is your last warning, you have ruined all of our volunteers, and we do not have many. This isn’t a small suburb in Westchester, NY, Sour Sofia. Where is the line for you? What do you think you’re doing? You draw this out, pretend you have busted these children’s stress, you think they can now sleep soundly at night because they have eaten some of your stale bread and soaking wet non-American toast? They are not happy with your dreams my dear. You may believe you are making a statement, you may believe that I have earned this punishment but oh you silly girl I assure you I have not earned this.

What I have earned is stopping the fun, and beginning the learning. These Hofstra hooligans have had their last late night breakfast, they will no longer ignore the very clear warning I have posted on the wall for their viewing pleasure. Why do they not respect my artistic integrity, Sofia.  I am not just a Fire Marshal, I am an artist.

I am an artist Sofia, and I am tired of my work being ignored. I am the fire Marshal, and I will shut down this late-night breakfast, this year, I will enforce all the codes. This year, I will not let you or the fire control me any longer. This year, I am a new man, and this new man will stand for your silly hash brown meals no more.