Search For The Hofstra Statue That Gives You Good Luck For Finals

by Ashley Vernola

All of the big colleges – NYU, Columbia, Coastal Carolina – have superstitions that re-emerge around finals season. Little did you know, though, that here at Hofstra we have a little something to bring you good luck for finals, too.

After going through every superstition in the book, and spending endless hours chasing cats, catching birds, building and completing a labyrinth, and other tests that allowed us to take pictures with shovels and hardhats, we’re still missing a few bits and pieces of the puzzle. But we need you -- yes, you -- to help us find more. Here’s what we got:

Everyone knows it’s a statue, there wouldn’t be this many goddamn statues around if it wasn’t. Ignore the Boob statue by Heger and the Eagle by Calkins, those aren’t special. We ran several tests and all came back negative for luck and positive for tacky. Our research, as you should know, is always comprehensive. We hugged the statues, licked the statues, kissed the statues, and none of it worked. Big Boston Ben outside of LHCOMM? Definitely not it. He wouldn’t respond to any of us when we asked him why he thinks he deserves to be on money. And the statue of those weird rings? Well, let’s just say we gave ‘em our best shot...

Now, I’m gonna let you in on a secret: There’s this little spot on the southeast end of campus that you can only become aware of if you’re ditching class to chainsmoke cigarettes. Behind Breslin there is a walkway with cobblestones -- you may not see them, as they have been covered by the asphalt, but I promise they are there, and I promise that I owe no more money to Public Safety after taking the time to partially excavate them.

Anyway, behind Breslin and to your right, you can see a park. Go towards it. It’s for the elementary school on California Avenue. NOT HOFSTRA. This is important to note. You are no longer within the perimeters of Hofstra’s campus. Public Safety can no longer help you. You need to hop the fence into the park and go on the swing. I know, it sounds wild, but you want to pass Anatomy and Physiology, right?

You swing until a child emerges from the school. They will ask you to get off. You oblige, but before you can go, they will kick you in the shin. There are no Public Safety officers around to ask the child for their student ID. We warned you.

You will limp back to the spot behind Breslin; only now can you complete the ritual. To your left there is a very large statue that looks like four three dimensional diamonds connected together. Don’t even think about trying to treat this thing the way you would the weird rings. You treat this statue with respect.

This is The One.

You will climb into the one of the small, triangular, open spaces in the bottom, and you will rest there for three days and two nights. You must eat nothing, drink nothing, and say nothing. It must be exactly 65 degrees out and humid, with scattered showers, or else the plan will not work.

After your three days, you will emerge as a slightly malnourished version of your previous self. Kate and Willie will be waiting. They will bathe you, and feed you, and you will take a picture of them with hardhats and shovels. And at the end, if you are humble and ready to learn, they will not only give you good luck for finals, but will also sit down and help you study. It will be tedious, and their big fuckin paws will smear your notes sometimes, but this is it. This is the only way we have figured out that has any semblance of success. Once you have reached this stage, your task is simple: ask them if they’re like, dating or if they’re brother and sister or just friends or what. What’s the deal there.