Petition: Let Me And My Family Open Carry At The Jersey Shore

By Pops McFatherson

I fear for my family’s safety every day.

I think I speak for all Americans when I say that the ocean is a dangerous place. Between sharks, squids, and the occasional sea otter, lifeguards do not have enough authority or foresight to constantly be protecting everyone all the time. That is why I am acting first and developing this petition to let my family and I (as well as others) open carry when we travel to the beach.

For the longest time, no matter where they were, I couldn’t help but worry that my family may have been in danger. You see, that was when they were without the proper equipment to defend themselves. That was before I outfitted my wife and my two sons each with a Glock .26. That was before they knew that they could always feel safe - even when good ol’ Dad is out gambling.

 This proved to be an especially solid idea on my part when, during a recent family outing to The Shore, my son was viciously attacked by a wild herd of seaweed. Utilizing our family motto, “Shoot first, worry about consequences later,” he pulled his trusty G-Unit out from his waistband and open fired into the water, neutralizing the weed and proving himself to be a capable and smart American boy. However, some whiny libsnow tardflakes decided that they felt “unsafe” by my 9 year old firing 4-5 rounds into the water next to their family with little practice and zero warning, and now I’m being sued for child endangerment when, if anything, my son SAVED their kids. I don’t care if “it was just seaweed,” what if next time it’s an orca whale, or a fresh shipment of ISIS troops?! I just think it’s completely unfair to me and the ones I call my family. We pay taxes, we rep the flag, and by God, we should be allowed to shoot our weapons off in public areas if the authorities aren't in shouting distance.

To further state my case, I have compiled some pros that I think are very good reasons as to why this is an exceptional idea:

1.      North Korea is well within striking distance:

If any of you have been watching One America News recently, you know that North Korea is incredibly close to building a nuke that could reach the United States, which could then lead to an invasion on our God-fearing, bright green soil. I’ve run through this scenario multiple times, as well as at multiple difficulty levels in an all-too-realistic video game, and I believe that the only way we can push back is to meet them immediately at the point of invasion: the beach. If everyone has a gun, and some people have binoculars, then once we see the nuke being dropped we can shoot it while it's still in the sky, as opposed to on the ground like usual. This would cause it to blow up in the air, saving all our lives, as well as proving to Kim Jong Un that we are well-prepared and unafraid of him.

2.      No more littering:

When people litter at the beach, what do they typically receive? Some measly fine that they could care less about. If everyone at the beach had a firearm, it would enforce stricter consequences on those that litter (such as a warning shot, or just one to the foot) thereby keeping our beaches much cleaner and safer from the real enemy - pollution.

3.      Hurricane Katrina could’ve been prevented with the use of force:

Now, I’m gonna be honest. I think Hurricane Katrina was bad. But I also think it could’ve been a lot less bad had we acted prior to its arrival. I don’t think we, as a collective people, did enough to show that Hurricane who was boss. If she had come rolling up to the shores of Louisiana and was greeted by a whole beach's worth of pissed off Americans firing their assault rifles at her with no fear in their eyes, she would have known right then and there that we were not to be messed with. Hell, she would turn around back to Haiti again faster than we could say "Hey, feel free to jumble up Hawaii a bit instead."


 I implore you to consider remembering the Second Amendment and the freedoms that we were promised when our Founding Fathers pistol whipped King George III to help realize this beautiful country of ours. If they were alive today I think I know what they would say. “Carrying your gun to the beach is the most American thing you can do. That's why we did World War II."