I won’t lie - when you sent me on this undercover op to Miami Beach, I had my reservations. There are no Hofstra students on Miami Beach, I thought. My talents are being wasted here while I could be better served defending the acid fields from hooliganism! But now, after a week here on this beach doing my official duty, I finally understand my purpose, my mission. I finally understand why I was chosen. Please find attached my Public Safety Briefs for the week of June 11th.
On June 11th, at 3:12 PM, two students were observed jumping into the ocean from some rocks clearly labeled “No Jumping”. My training served me well. Suddenly I was back in the Bird Sanctuary, chasing hooligans across the rocky expanse. I scaled the rocks with the grace indicative of my position and apprehended the ruffians. The students were issued a summons, which they promptly threw into the ocean, and a referral to the office of community standards, which one of them just ate for some reason. The students were not carrying ID cards, so their names were taken as “Yehr Mahm” and “Rudolph P. Suckabutt III”. This may be harder than I originally thought, Chief, but if anything, I’m up for a challenge. Justice isn’t supposed to be easy.
On June 11th, at 5:47 PM, a student was observed behaving suspiciously in a 1984 Chevy Camaro parked on 18th street. The student in question seemed to be distributing baggies of unknown materials to passersby in exchange for some sort of currency. Before I had the chance to roll myself from my hiding spot (a pink and green striped beach chair reclined at a standard 190 degree angle), the suspect had absconded. I’ll keep an eye out for him. Even though you made it clear that I will not be paid in any way for this undercover mission, I will not waver in my duties. What kind of officer would I be if I did this for the money? No, I am an officer of the law. We answer to a higher call.
On June 12th, at 9:22 AM, Public Safety heard a police report on the phone scanner app I don't know how to close about a shootout on Ocean Drive. PS attempted to intercept, but was detained and arrested by Miami Beach Police for ‘obstruction of justice’. Come on guys, we’re all on the same team here, we’re all men in uniform. Just because I tripped and fell over every single one of your officers as they tried to apprehend a dangerous criminal is no need to get pissy. I’m just trying to help.
OFFICERS NOTE: Boss, you know I hate to ask, but do you think you could put a good word in with the Miami PD when you’ve got a chance? Since you took away my badge and standard issue taser stick when I left, they didn’t believe me when I told them I was Public Safety. They’re sure to believe a superior officer. In any case, it would be nice to get a refund for the $12,000 bail I just posted.
On June 14th, at 6:36 PM, two unidentified women were discovered smoking marijuana on the beach. I attempted to intervene, but they threw sand in my eyes and ran away, laughing.
OFFICER’S NOTE: Assholes.
On June 14th, at 8:54 PM, two unidentified men approached this officer and intimated that they were searching for a missing friend, a woman named Molly. I apologized and said that I didn’t know where she could have gone. The two men asked if I would like to help them find their friend, but I was on duty.
OFFICER’S NOTE: See chief? I can be friendly. All those complaints are such bullshit. People skills, schmeople skills, am I right?
On June 15th, at 5:32 AM, someone mugged me and took my wallet when I went out for a bagel. I tried to give the mugger a referral to the office of community standards, but he just stabbed me again.