By Lil Boy Jimmy
Forthajuly’s is gonna be awesome. Mom made some fruit salad, Dad is grilling, and Great Aunt Bess is making bird noises at people from her chair. I’m in the kitty pool (even though I don’t see any kittens), and I have my Thomas the Tank Engine trunks on, so I’m basically the coolest. Anyway, my dad is grilling up some barbeque chicken – the best part of Forthajuly’s! Forthajuly’s is my favorite holiday because Dad makes barbeque chicken and Mom makes salad and Great Aunt Bess gets to sit in a lawn chair in the grass instead of on the smelly couch inside. Barbeque chicken is amazing because everyone loves barbeque chicken – even the Pope loves it! That’s what Aunt Bess says. Dad says she’s cat flick, or something. Barbeque chicken tastes like magic. Dad told me his secret for barbeque chicken is in the sauce.
Anyway, things start to get kinda weird when Uncle Geoff shows up. He’s my dad’s twin brother, and my favorite. Mom says they have a bit of riflery, which I don’t get because I don’t think my dad likes guns. So Uncle Geoff shows up and he yells “Party time!” and I SCREAM because I LOVE PARTY TIME! It’s a party now that Uncle Geoff is here! My mom hugs Uncle Geoff and I run up to him and tell him that I love him. He tells me that he loves me too, and calls me Buster which is basically the best name ever and only Uncle Geoff can call me that. He shakes my dad’s hand and says “Mark” and my dad says “Geoff” and Uncle Geoff says “Nice apron” and my dad says “Thank you, my loving wife made it for me” and then they both look at each other and I think they were both angry or maybe just were gassy. Uncle Geoff says something under his breath about Dad and a batch of lures party and a hooker, which maybe means my dad is a pirate, or even better, a fisherman!
Anyway so Uncle Geoff comes over to Forthajuly’s and he has some soda and I think the soda is… spicy? He let me smell it and it smells spicy. He’s drinking spicy soda and eating a hot dog. He loves hot dogs. I think it’s because his girlfriend Marissa has a wiener dog named Peppy. Peppy is nice to me and always tries to lick my fingers but Marissa is mean and smells like a witch. Mom says that only working ladies like Uncle Geoff, which is funny because I’ve never ever seen Marissa work except painting her nails. And then Uncle Geoff has another spicy soda, and another, and I think he is really thirsty so I offer him some water but he says “No thank you, Buster” and my mom comes over to talk to him and asks him something and he says he’s had a rough day because Marissa left him. And I start to get sad because what about Peppy? What about Peppy, Mom? And she tells me to go back to the kitty pool and play, so I do. Then Uncle Geoff walks over all wobbly to my dad, and my dad is still cooking barbeque chicken, and he has this huge bucket of sauce, just HUGE, like bigger than the earth huge, and he yells at Uncle Geoff to leave the party because he’s cousin a seen, and that’s when Uncle Geoff just disappears.
I start crying.
I don’t see Uncle Geoff anywhere.
Where did Uncle Geoff go? Did he run away? Did he get lost? I scream for my mom. “Where is Uncle Geoff? WHERE IS UNCLE GEOFF?”
Mom tells me, “Oh honey...Uncle Geoff is lost in the sauce.”
I’m crying, crying a lot.
My dad drowned Uncle Geoff in the barbeque sauce.
“WHY DAD? WHY? WHY DID YOU MAKE UNCLE GEOFF DEAD?”
Dad is asking me what’s wrong, and I tell him that he killed Uncle Geoff, and he laughs and says “No, he’s just lost in the sauce” and I SCREAM. STOP TELLING ME THIS.
“GET HIM OUT OF THE BARBEQUE SAUCE, DAD, RIGHT NOW!”
My mom comes over to tell me that Uncle Geoff is just in the house and he’s okay and he’s alive but I’m scared because I miss Uncle Geoff and I don’t stop crying until he comes out of the house and he’s NOT in the barbeque sauce! Uncle Geoff is ALIVE! I love Uncle Geoff.
I tell Uncle Geoff to never go into the sauce ever again and he tells me he won’t and he still smells like spicy soda, but we eat barbeque chicken together and it is amazing, and Great Aunt Bess is saying something about the Pope again, but I can’t hear her because I love my Uncle Geoff so, so much and we are all having fun now that I found him.
And when we’re done eating our barbeque chicken, Uncle Geoff says he’ll be right back, and he takes my Dad out behind the shed and I think I hear them yelling, I think about Marissa and maybe Peppy? I think that Dad was wrong, though, because he called Uncle Geoff a dog. Only Peppy is a dog. And then they stop yelling, and Uncle Geoff hugs me goodbye, and when he leaves, he speeds outta the driveway, and he hits my neighbor Mrs. Candy’s car, which was crazy! He speeds away like a crazy man. I think Uncle Geoff can be a racecar driver, and that makes him the best uncle ever, and this is the best Fourthajuly’s ever.