The 5 Virgos You’ll Date in Post-Baccalaureate Pre-Medical School

by Someone Who’s Definitely Been There, Sister

1. Handsome businessman in office


We all know the type. Diamond blue eyes, silky blonde hair, and a smile that says, “I don’t cum.” Only a Virgo could match an undershirt with an over-shirt so effortlessly. He’s already a businessman-boy, so you know he was in a men's pre-professional fraternity (a real PLUS). As soon as you try and tie him down, he’ll fly away with his magnificent wings. All "blonde" Virgos are winged. Don’t worry, you dodged a bird penis bullet.


2. Handsome bearded worker wearing eyeglasses


Another run in with a 4-eyed counterpart. He’s the perfect nerd if you like your nerds HOT and KIND of jockish. That chiseled jaw means he’s definitely an Iron Giant fetish porn watcher (Cha-Ching!) A dedicated “worker,” your mom will love him, and your friend Jessica will fuck him. I’m really sorry.


3. Thoughtful Young Hispanic doctor


Ugh, who’s not into the thoughtful-young-hispanic-doctor type! Now that Mercury is out of retrograde, your toxically-narrow-and-passively -racist-notions-of-sexuality phase is behind you, and you can date this guy! Born right smack dab in the middle of Virgo season, this catch is a super-Virgo. Being a super-Virgo means his stars are always aligned over a church, so your grandparents will be forced to love him. And he’s a doctor, so he knows exactly what he’s doing (down there). His penis is also way large. Too bad he’ll catch smallpox and die from an unvaccinated child. That’s America for ya!

4. Charming kid in brand new kimono


Trust us, it’s 2017 and six is the new forty. After being around for only six Septembers, this kid will charm the pants off you (Not literally Ha Ha). Fresh off his parents divorce and looking for attention, this kid will cling to you like you’ve always wanted a man to do. Sure, it might be dangerously illegal, and his mom really wants you to please just leave him alone, there’s just something about him. Those big brown eyes, those baby teeth! Why is he always in that kimono? You love that air of mystery a Virgo brings! All Virgos are mysterious right? (The stars have meaning, right?) Sadly, at age seven he gets pretty chubby, and like, you’re not against chubby guys, but he’s changed in other ways too.


5. Senior woman who likes skin care and looks in the mirror


She’s everything you’ve never wanted in your partner, but somehow she’s everything you’ve ever needed. She cares about her skin and she loves looking at herself in the mirror just as much as you do! (except you’re def way hotter lol you’re an Aries). She may speak zero words of English, but she was born on September 8th, so she can say more than enough with just her eyes. Her lips are like two wet pieces of string, which create a sensation on your face that you’ve never before experienced. Soon, she’ll fade back into the mist never to be seen again. Cherish everyday with this special Virgo.