By: Robert Kinnaird
There’s so many great trends in 2017. From crop tops, to top hats, to hip hop, and flip flops, millennials are enjoying all kinds of crazy stuff! But there’s one trend none of us expected that’s sweeping the nation: Denim condoms. These market-shattering condoms are keeping the members of twenty-somethings snuggled up and stylish this Winter, with a look that says "You know you want to wear this and have friend," but also, "Rest In Peace, George Michael."
Believe it or not, this new safe-sex breakthrough was actually a happy accident. (No wonder Cosmopolitan called it "the Penicillin of condom sex."). Avery Baker, the head designer of Tommy Hilfiger, said she was struck with the idea whilst having a "deep and passionate night of lovemaking," during which her partner, Charles V. Bergh, CEO of Levi’s, got his penis stuck in the sleeve of an exceptionally small denim jacket. The sleeve fit tightly and perfectly, to which Baker said, “screw it, keep it on,” as they continued the aforementioned "good intercourse."
“The scraping of denim against my throbbing member reminded me of old timey rural America, when men had nothing to use besides generously-shaped burlap sacks to keep from getting their wives pregnant,” said Bergh, astutely. “It’s classic Americana to wear denim, so why don’t we embrace it? We should be putting it everywhere,” he said, pointing to a denim baseball bat held in the hands of a faceless, battered mannequin. “Under our denim pants there should be denim underwear, and under that, a denim cock holster wrapped tight around the collective meat of the hardworking American people.”
When it comes to sexual collusion, Bergh insists that they are 100% effective, even though the online reviews say that people can feel "a certain viscous leakage seeping through the fabric's pores.”
“Don’t worry,” Bergh said, addressing their concerns, “that’s only the loving fluid. The actual people seeds don’t fit through the holes. That's quality manufacturing from a company you can trust”. The tenor of his response was rather unconvincing, though his jizzness partner and fellow fashion-mogul was quick to change the subject. “Listen, when it comes down to to it, this is about making people feel good. When a guy walks in a room wearing a collared denim vest tailored just for his cock and balls, everyone will be impressed,” she said. “He’ll look so damn good in that stable for his one-eyed horse that no one will even worry about reproduction or any other transmission of sexual mistakes.”
Ms. Baker's point has since been reinforced by models and fellow designers alike. “Anyone who’s anyone is wearing a denim condom this season” said fashion model Gigi Hadid, wearing a denim scarf and all-jean-jumpsuit as she prepared to walk the catwalk at fashion week. “I’m wearing the newest Dior denim female condom right now, actually!" she noted, with as much emotion as those people are allowed to show. "My labia majora has been completely reupholstered with only the finest denim, and I think it’s really going to turn some heads at the post-show orgy of the rich and the beautiful.”
Designer Rick Owens told us he’s been working on "an all-black drape cum catcher" that hangs from the tip of the head down to the feet like a ghostly curtain. He went on to call the cloak "a statement piece," whose mission is to say: "[you] don’t give a damn if anyone is riding [your] [penis] or not, [you're] Rick Owens, goddamit. [You] just want that baloney pony to set trends”.
Owens has always innovated in the field of avant garde fashion, and so he considered it a personal challenge to introduce something new and fresh to the “grunge-flavored fuckfests” that major fashion houses like Gucci and Prada have been hosting lately. “My condoms may not be practical for dicking down all of the Jenners simultaneously, but my models will look absolutely inspired. Plus, they can still give head and stuff, so it's chill I should think.”
Nike, the world's leading sports brand and number one supplier of misery, has been trying to make a condom out of primeknit, a lightweight, sweat wicking activewear fabric that helps you “run, train, and fuck like a champion." Adidas, their main competitor, refuses to comment on whether or not they’re trying to enter the condom game, but long-time collaborator Kanye West has expressed interest in using his pull within the fashion world to start finally making something that bangs as hard as The College Dropout. “No one’s ever made condoms like the shit I’ve been working on man,” he told us. “You thought Yeezys were revolutionary? Just you wait. Fucking ain’t never gonna be the same. I am Nancy Reagan. I am Walt Disney.”
As the denim condom craze descends from the world of high fashion to the marketplace of the mainstream, the style is expanding to other fabrics as well. “Corduroy condoms are creating line markings on pork swords across the nation, while wool condoms are expected to be the big thing in those regions where denim just won’t cut it for the harshest weather,” Bergh said proudly. These winterized condoms, commonly known among industry bigwigs as “private parkas," are already available in many F/W ‘17 high fashion releases. Cotton is another common fabric, mostly used for an easy, noncommittal look for a casual date to the free-range coffee shop with your newest match from Tinder, Grindr, or Plenty of Fists.
Fast fashion brands such as H&M and Zara have been trying to copy the style, but the product quality is awful, with some people's nephews claiming you "can’t even nut when you’re wearing them."