By: Robert Kinnaird
Being alone on Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to take a chance and embrace your powerful feminine sexuality in a move that many “woke™” white boys/men are calling “inspirational”, but here’s a few tricks you probably haven’t tried yet to bust out this Valentine’s Day. Your roommate gets back from the city with that boy she met on tinder around 11ish, so you should have plenty of time to try all of these out. It’s Valentine’s Day, and the best way to stick it to corporate America and everyone who ever doubted you is to sit at home and pleasure yourself for four to seven hours.
1: The John Hughes
This one’s simple, all you need to do is lay on your stomach, put your laptop on in front of you, and watch “Most romantic 80s movies scenes ever” on the website YouTube. Why choose Jake from 16 Candles or John Bender or Lloyd Dobbler when you can watch them lift that boombox, pump that fist, and pull up to the wedding in that incredible red sports car over and over? Maybe light sixteen candles of your own and pray your RA doesn’t come knocking about “fire hazards” and “excessive smoke” or whatever. Once you’re good and ready to get started, fantasize about Nathan Samson from your eleventh-grade post-algebra class. Remember when he looked at you a little too long and you couldn’t stop smiling? Imagine him in one of those 80s movies, but like a remastered version so the picture quality is better. That’s masturbating.
We both know you should be studying, but this holiday awakens a beast in you that can’t be quelled. For this technique, you need to pull up Kahn Academy on your laptop and watch it without absorbing literally anything, almost as if you became dumber. Not that it matters – you’ll get about 3 minutes in before the sexiness of this late bloomer’s voice has you warmed up like a picturesque day in early June. “483 divided by 7?” you’ll think. “Haha, nice.” Suddenly, you’ll find yourself fantasizing about eleventh-grade post-algebra class again. Remember when Nathan asked to borrow a pencil, but all you had was a pen? He chuckled and said it was “just fine” before shooting you that perfect Invisalign smile.
While you leave Kahn Academy playing in the background, you’re going to go on Sparknotes and read the summaries to all the good literature and plays you can find. Maybe look up theories of thermodynamics online, and read about common argumentative fallacies on Wikipedia. This is what you want, isn’t it? While you’re working on your A, you’ll also be working on your O. That’s the kind of stuff you like?
3: The Self Care Day
Delete that draft on Facebook about how you’re spending Valentine’s Day alone. Didn’t you buy a facemask at Lush yesterday? Put on your favorite shitty lingerie, take a seat at your roommate’s desk (she has the better mirror), and spread that thick goop all over your face. Now, we both know that dorms don’t have baths, but you bought a bath bomb anyway. “Whatever!” you thought to yourself. “Self love!” you thought to yourself. No worries – we can make this work. Take that big plastic tub your mom packed all your sweaters in and empty it out. It’s a big tub, not quite body sized, but if they made it work on television’s Breaking Bad, I think you can too. Enter the communal showers and fill the bucket about half-way. This is easiest if you landed a corner room. Yeah, you filled the tub too high and the water displacement from climbing in soaked your roommates backpack, but worry about that later. Right now is all about your “backpack.” You’ve got a facemask on, a bathbomb in, and a potential conflict with a female acquaintance brewing on the horizon. So that’s basically the clitoris.