We've Sprung Forward And My Daylight Savings Is In Shambles

By: Quin Asselin

This dreadful Sunday began as though it were any other. I’d nearly finished cleaving through the lively neck of a tenderfoot NYSE broker when I snapped from a deep, raw sleep. My fist descended like a sledge through my puny alarm clock. I can never afford to wait for an alarm to wake me. Afterall, time is money.

Time is equivalent 2 money. This is the greatest business-ial piece of wisdom that I’ve ever purchased… It was from a mustard salesman outside of Munich but that’s not important right now. What’s important is I spent the time to learn that little savings trick. As the saying goes: a penny saved is a second earned, and The Stocks is a game best played fast and loose.

So naturally when another  be-suited-ful male approached me, in my own suit, we talked turkey. I knew I could trust what he had to say because I could follow the veins up his forehead like dense jungle vines. That cool cat of the financial forests told me about a hot little investment opportunity. He called it, “Daylight Savings.”

Upon hearing those words I knew exactly what he meant. The knowledge of a condiment vendor rang through my head like the echoing halls of Die Munich Residenz. So I stopped him and explained to him how Daylight Savings is like the new 401k, hedge fund, and defaulted auto-loan all rolled into one. “Time and money are one in the same, brother,” I concluded.

“But of course...” he nodded. I understood by the look in his eyes that he understood that I was understanding him; the bulging labyrinth of hoses churning brain food through his melon pulsing with our harmony.

I told him I’d be making the maximum investment. Surely the MORE MONEY I put in, the MORE TIME my lithe, nimble claws could snatch up with this little opportunity. I pulled all of my bank money number$ into a $$ingle, slightly disappointing larger number. My physical capital, my might, my potential  all crammed into a canned-peas green messenger bag. I gave him my knapsack of greenbacks on Friday and he told me he’d update me on the investment A$AP over £¥NK€D-IN.

I went home that Friday evening too eager to even sleep. My eyes churned light from my retinas to my insides constantly, as I just couldn’t find the time to blink. It was too crucial a time to waste even a ¢ent. Every moment was a transaction, and every transaction was an opportunity to fail. Failure is simply not in my vocabulary; the last two times I’ve used it were guesses. By speed reading or getting the gist of the articles I’m harnessing,  I am able to adapt to many situations. I’m like a large predator with finely honed instincts. None of these business stiffs could possibly match my acuity, my guile, my capability to sniff out an absolute steal like Daylight Savings. Everything I was reading seemed to point to 3/11 at 2 or something.

By the time I’d finished investigating 3/11, I understood that my Daylight Savings was held in its grasp. And when the clock went back one hour I would get all that TIME, in the form equal to  MONEY.

What a fool was I. For this Sunday morn did come. I watched my new clock. It was identical to the one of Friday morn. Pieces of the sundered clock still strewn about my den. In the next minute my number would come in. The time was almost right…

But in my final moments, my hubris got to me. I allowed my fragile tear ducts to swell from my refusal to blink for the last 36 hours. Just before the clock struck 2, my puny eyes were sealed shut.

I flailed blindly, trying to smash my clock and extract all my hard earned money from its feeble gears and doodats. I could practically taste my newfound coins spilling forth from the clock. My taste for my invested riches only fueled my blind fervor. There was going to be no escaping the fury of an apex predator like myself and certainly not in my own nesting ground. But for all of my smashing  as well as all of my bashing I only drove my fists into my old shattered alarms stroon about the carpeting.

By the time my cowardly eyes revealed themselves, it was far too late. Because I had blinked like a Bear Market Stooge, I couldn’t see the Invisible Hand change the time on my clock. However, that Almighty Force didn’t move the clock backwards for that extra hour of return investment. My sure thing was bust! My physical equity, my deNiro, my capital presence all in shambles! With the clock moving forward, I wouldn’t be turning 1 hours time into money$$ for each of my money$, I would be unmaking moneys for one hours time each!

Father Time had abandoned me. The Invisible Hand had slapped my foolish, weak, blinking face. All of this was fair recompense for my inattentiveness. I blinked, I abandoned my investment in its time of need…

I cannot face the pain of the free market anymore. With all of my money gone and my stocks gouged, I’ve nothing left. I will replace my eyes with clocks and roam the Earth. After all, I’ve got all the time in the world now...