Where Do I Obtain Exclusive Access To The Dunkin??

By: Ashley Vernola

I’m sorry, sir, I don’t mean to bother you, but I was just wondering if you knew. There is a Dunkin Donuts on campus now, but with the red carpet folded out in front and the lights all around it seems as though there is some sort of exclusive event happening. Do you know how I can get in?

You may not know me but I am very important. Very important as they do say. Who is they you ask? Shut up. Just trust me. Anyway - I don’t think you understand how pressing my mission is. I need to know how to get into the Elusive Dunkin Donuts on Sir Hofstra’s Campus. And… I hear, from a little birdy and his tweety twitter mouth, that you might have the key. You do not? Well... what do you have? I heard you were a wealth of knowledge, and even though your squiggly lines do imply that you may have gone through a little wear and tear, I hoped that I could still consult you from time to time to figure out things that press me and my fragile mind.

However, I find that often times, especially in those of distress, you do not help me, and even though I keep you as my trusty and loyal sidekick, you don’t seem to be loyal to me nowadays. Is there someone else? Could there be?

Nevermind that. My mission is still so utterly important. I don’t think you understand. My father is Sir Duncan of Dunkin Donuts, and it’s about time that I meet him. I heard from the other birdy who also tweeter twoots with his mouth hole that he will be at the opening of this branch of his famous brand, Dunkin Donuts. That is why, I sir, have been brought here and to your side, asking you of a favor. So, I ask once more, and I ask less than I do demand: The key. Give it to me.

Oh! Well finally! You’ve offered some insight - it is not a key, you say, but a special ticket! Now, and I hope you can finally give me something to work off of here, where does this special ticket come from? Clearly, it is NOT awarded to the unmet sons and/or daughters of Sir Duncan, founder of Dunkin Donuts, himself. When I am done with my mission I will find the appropriate person to take this up with for I am sure they will be receiving a reckoning, but for now: Tell me how I acquire the special ticket. Right now.

Nonsense! Oh…. you make me laugh but I wish you wouldn’t. This is no laughing matter. You say that only exclusive members can be awarded the special ticket. As I said, you wrinkly sir, I should be very VERY important person at this event. How did these people receive these medals of honor? Was it a letter? Perhaps the Post-Office lost my mail. And I shall take it up with them. Mark my words.

….E-mail? Sure. I check my inbox every day but maybe it got lost in the spam. There’s surely no way they could have forgotten me… It’s impossible to think! Oh, how someone shall be facing trouble for this misunderstanding! I tremble at the thought!

Alright, my trusty sidekick, I see that you are blue and useless, so let us approach the door and see what happens. A man with a nice smile and a bald head has approached us. His mouth twists into words I never could have imagined: “Do you have a ticket?”

I don’t. But I am the son and/or daughter of the illustrious Sir Duncan, owner and heir of the ever-growing franchise, Dunkin Donuts, and I imagine the invite my father intended for me so that we could meet for the first time was just lost in the post. No, you say? They went out via e-mail? Why would my father use email? I’m sure he, like me, hates email. I’m sure it was just a fluke, and well, maybe my spam folder ate it up; she’s often a hungry fellow. No? My name? Oh well, I can’t tell you that. I shouldn’t have to tell you that. I demand that you let me in. My God, my father would be so disappointed you didn’t recognize me. Is it not obvious you oblivious globe? Is it not evident that I am important and deserve to be here. I understand that your customers are upset, but so am I! People of this institution, wouldn’t you be upset if you were me? I must know, where is my father? Is he here? He has been expecting me. I’m sure of it. I hear you mumbling under your breath! I am sorry to lead you out of this establishment, but I don’t think you understand my true anger! I will remember your faces. I promise you that.

Get out? No, my father wouldn’t approve. Who are you to tell me to GET OUT?  I see that my birdy with its big mouth lied and he shall face his punishment in due time but first, it shall be you. I can feel you pushing me out of the door and I am a pacifist so I will not fight back, but I will indeed report you to your higher up. That higher up being my wonderful father. He will know you, he will know what you did to me, and he will


your position, sir. 

With my trusty sidekick, blue and crumbled by my side, I have chosen to be the bigger person and have left the bald man’s establishment. While I’m sure my father wouldn’t approve, I will find another way in. One day, some way...even if it costs me my dog, my house, my lungs, or my life.