Uniondale NY, March 22nd, 2018 – Tragically, a family of 12 was killed and/or maimed in a bizarre and arguably badass Final Destination-esque accident this spring break weekend. The tragedy took place when Shaun and Elizabeth McChonahon’s tenth and plumpest child, Rosetta, climbed onto the family’s trampoline, the rusted and well-worn springs subsequently giving out under her weight and sending themselves everywhere with a violent and deadly speed.
Shaun McChonahon, father of ten, is attempting to sue for damages, but the trampoline’s manufacturer, Tramp Champs, plans to fight the case.
“Putting weaponized razors on our springs has clearly proven to be a regrettable mistake,” said Greg Murphy, CEO of Tramp Champs and former Shark Tank contestant. “But they exceeded the recommended weight. It’s that simple. There’s warnings for a reason, and finding them is only part of the fun!”
Mr. McChonahon believes that the use of gunpowder as a dye for the trampoline’s fabric was responsible for the massive explosion that took the lives of most of his children (the rest dying from schrapnel related injuries, and one from heartbreak). “It was horrific to see a trampoline explode,” he told us from his hospital bed. “I never even considered that a trampoline could explode.”
“It says it right here, clear as day in the fine print,” said Murphy, pointing to a stained scroll covered in dots. “No, the really, really fine print. Here, use the magnifying glass to solve the maze. God, those poor kids would have probably loved the maze.”
“It’s not my fault they didn’t hold the manual up to a mirror,” Murphy continued. “They should have known better than to let ten children onto a trampoline with different sized springs anyway. How is this even a story?”
When we reached out to Stephen P. Francis, a local lawyer who specializes in children’s toys and lawn games, he told us that there are far too few regulations on trampolines. “If I wanted to sell trampolines with glass shards in the support tubes, it’s completely within my legal rights,” he said. “A DUI almost seems pretty normal in comparison, doesn’t it? Almost seems pretty nice.”
Coincidentally, glass shards were exactly the shrapnel that decapitated Mrs. McChonahon. However they weren’t stored in tubes, but rather around the edge of the trampoline’s netting.
“We use the glass shards to keep birds from landing on the net and ruining the trampoline,” Murphy said, in response to allegations that his products have misled consumers and placed some of them, at least ten or so, in serious danger. “Look, it says right here that each trampoline is chock full of ‘candied ice crystals.’ Everyone wants to pick a fight with good marketing, but up until recently, kids really loved it.”
Mr. McChonahon has been struggling to find legal representation for his case. While Mr. Francis was asked to represent what’s left of the McChonahon family in court, he was hesitant to say the least.
“He really thinks I wanna go up against Big Tramp? Forget it! We wouldn’t stand a chance. Tramp Champs hasn’t lost a case in almost 30 years and they NEVER. SETTLE.”
“If people want to win a case against us,” Murphy said, “they’ll have to stop putting more than 300 pounds worth of people on the trampoline at a time. Until then, we’ll keep doing whatever brings in the money and whatever makes kids happy. And kids seem to be pretty happy about us bringing in the money – just look at our commercials.”
It seems that this spring break will be one devoid of justice for current father of 0.7 Shaun McChonahon, as there will be no civil suit to reward his suffering in the near future. A Kickstarter campaign for the cost of his family’s funeral and/or just a U-Haul truck can be found below; all donations are welcome.