From our new issue Necrononicon!
By: Rosario Navalta
Are you a new-age witch but wanna keep in line with your core values and new diet? Have you made a New Year’s Resolution that has resulted in having to come up with new ways to humanely sacrifice goats and summon insecure spirits? Do you know any fence sitters who want to join without committing to veganism, but still expect all the benefits of being in a full-fledged coven/sisterhood/support system? You’ve come to the right place.
1: Explain Marxism to immortal entities!
Summoning a demon and forcing it to do your bidding is not cool, and not what this is about. Pay them a wage! Sure, they’re an archaic spirit so old that they probably watched the Bolshevik Revolution for fun, and sure, they’re probably powerful enough to rip your guts out through your trachea if not for that blood contract, but you’re no monster. You believe in workers’ rights and cruelty-free evil-doings by entities beyond your comprehension, but there’s an important point to be made: what would a time-trapped demon know about the foundational inequality of unfettered capitalism without first suffering the abuses of corporate apathy? Encourage your entity to start a union! Then teach it just how ruthless your bottom-line is.
2: Instead of animal blood, try almond or cashew milk!
Now I know what you’re thinking: How are these things proper substitutes for animal blood? Well, consider this: the milk is really just the blood-juice from almonds/soy beans/cashews! And surely if there were a willing human with, say, enough blood to summon and subsequently quell a post-life entity into a food coma, then that would work too! These are just the tried and true methods that require as little coaxing and social leveraging as possible, but don’t be afraid to assert your creativity in order to achieve your personal goals!
3: Need a sacrifice? Ask for consent first.
Who in their right mind would consent to being used as a human sacrifice in the annual ritual for a better kombucha in the coming fall? A fellow health-conscious “vegan,” obviously. But would a vegan deserve that kind of suffering, let alone find it self-actualizing? Vegans can’t stand suffering, and we’ll be the first to let you know! Who better then to volunteer than that fence-sitting, “No Meat Mondays,” Terry? Just tell her it’s a test of loyalty! And hey, no need to feel guilty for it. After all, it’s one more casual meat-eater off the face of the planet, and one more sheep or calf that gets to go back to the jungle and run. Ain’t that what this is all about?
4: Convert The Entity.
Hey, if you can start a union and then immediately disassemble it, why not start a movement. Vegan demons! You already started small by replacing the initial blood consumption with fake dairy, but now it’s time to start replacing that fake dairy with ethically-sourced spring water! Say to it: “bitch, it’s time to get our shit together,” and then cook up some Tofu to step on as a replacement for the throat ripping that would usually occur once Terry’s mind is permanently transformed into something like a Wi-Fi hotspot for Hell. Be sure to eventually expose your new friend to some theoretical literature, or better yet use my YouTube channel (covens4cows) to teach this somehow benevolent hate thing that eating meat is the equivalent of committing the atrocities of 9/11 while rubbing your full belly, and that America’s complicity in both the meat industry and the war industry makes us the posterchild for fragile masculinity.
5: Reduce, reuse, recycle!
This one’s easy, kids. When you bleed someone, try to store the blood in BPA free containers, freezing it for later sacrifices and summonings. Reuse diagrams regardless of the danger of possession, just as you would with an eco-friendly condom! Never budge on what you believe in, and recognize that as long as you have the three C’s — clout, charisma, and calculation — then you’ll always have your coven behind you.