All Statues Are Worthless And Should Be Removed
Every statue on earth looks like a painting came to life and got fucked up by the army. We literally invented cameras so that people wouldn’t have to do statues anymore, but apparently some weirdos felt compelled to continue sculpting literal tits and asses every day in front of children. I’m here to say “Fuck that” to that. And I am. Fuck that.
Here’s everything I haven’t learned from statues: how to get laid, how to get paid, how to fight for my country, how to get paid for fighting for my country. You don’t wanna know what I’ve done for my country. But the list could go on and on, which I think makes my next point a compelling one: melt statues and turn them into picture frames so heavy they can’t be moved.
“What? What did he just say?” Shut the fuck up. Now go on.
“Did he just suggest we use the various materials used for statue creation and maintenance to build a society full of giant, immovable mirrors?” I didn’t say the mirrors thing but that’s super good. We’re doing mirrors now.
My gripe with statues isn’t personal. At least not particularly. Growing up, we had tons of things like statues in my house. They were everywhere. They were called children, and they lived with fairly little supervision, eating high protein diets and fighting. We spent much of our youth sleeping overnight in museums, where we learned why exactly Leonardo da Vinci viewed Mona Lisa as the kind of girl you’re only ever friends with, and how that might have been proof he was a feminist/gay/a misogynist. Either way, it sounds like a good movie.
As we grew older and moved out into the world, however, we found that there was really no reason for any of the things we were seeing to exist. Every statue seemed to exist just as a reminder that something happened in the town we were in, regardless of what that thing was. In some places, they’ll put a statue up of someone who did something somewhere else entirely, and if you didn’t know what that thing was, you just had to guess. Sometimes it was writing + racism + shapes. Sometimes it was just one of those things. Over time we grew apart as siblings as well, with some of us gravitating towards eating, while others gravitated towards fighting. But in the end we were united by one singular idea: that mirrors thing someone suggested earlier is just really good. If we did that I would help.
Everything I’ve Learned, I’ve Learned From Statues
By Peter Soucy
“Yarn is used to make blankets, shawls, sweaters, and other knitted things.”
This is the quote on the statue of the World’s Biggest Ball of Yarn and it has shaped me into the future father (fingers crossed) and estranged brother I am today. Before I saw that statue I thought yarn was just something that got stuck in my cat’s stomach. Now all my clothes are made of yarn and I smell terrible, but at least I’m well dressed and respectful.
“Robert E. Lee was a United States war general from the United States who fought in a war on U.S. soil.”
This plaque on a statue of Robert E. Lee in North Dakota has taught me so much about our country’s great history. Before seeing it, I did not even know the United States had an organized army, let alone fought in an organized war! Now I’m like, send me away, General! As sure as Robert E. Lee was born in 1807 and died in 1870, that’s how sure I am that the war on alabaster full-body one-page picture books is a war I won’t let us lose.
“Musician Buddy Holly”
Spotted this inscription on the statue of Buddy Holly in Santa Fe, New Mexico recently and got absolutely smacked with recorded knowledge. I thought Buddy was a name reserved only for dogs, but this guy’s gone and made it big as a human! Now I will be a proud father of a son named Buddy as soon as I (fingers crossed) pass multiple background checks, and it’s all because of my commitment to learning! I’m hoping to attend Buddy Holly’s next concert, as his songs seem to speak to the veteran’s experience unlike any I’ve ever heard discussed near the Buddy Holly statue in Santa Fe.
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free”
I feel like this is supposed to be some kind of Haiku or something, but I don’t know what the fuck it means. This big green woman taught me that I’m a great critic, and that some people should just stick to modeling.
“Thomas Jefferson (April 13 1743 – July 4, 1826) was an American”
America was a country way before I was born, and Thomas Jefferson was definitely the oldest man to ever live. I like to imagine what he did in those 83 years way back when it wasn’t now. I picture him in a little log cabin, reading a newspaper that says “car invented” while chewing on whale meat and wishing he could text message Robert E. Lee to discuss what blues music is. He probably built his own cabin through some kind of Hall and Oates montage sequence, and it was so good that his statue was erected to explain how crazy everything can be sometimes. It brings me joy to realize how sophisticated my daydreams have become, even if it pains me to know that all the facts I’ve ever known are going to be melted for charity under the guise of religious freedom.
“I think therefore I am”
This blurb on the statue of a Dumbledore-looking fuck-lord makes so much sense to me that it hurts. I need to stand up for what I believe in soon or else.