Millions Preparing to Finally Be Disappointed by Infinity War

By: Lizzie Frank

With zero hours to go before the release of Marvel’s Infinity War, movie-goers and well-adjusted people alike are finally starting to prepare for the onslaught of disappointment the newest Marvel blockbuster will bring. As an employee of the Garden City AMC, who watches as death draws nearer with the release of each addition to the famed superhero franchise, I am terrified.

From what I’ve overheard while cleaning the men’s bathroom at 10am every Sunday morning, fans are dubious that Avengers: Infinity War will live up to the high expectations that tend to make all experiences much better.

Sources say it all began with reports that the movie opens with a silent, nine-minute scene of Tony Stark (Iron Guy) and Steve Rogers (White Guy) eye-fucking to “Low Rider” by WAR. Those same sources, who apparently don’t know the difference between a urinal and the area just below one, believe such a brash opening statement could lead to “riots in the streets” and “rotting tomatoes.”

Other rumors include the return of character Bucky Barnes, though due to sponsorship issues, he apparently now has a third, plastic arm from which he is always drinking Mountain Dew. The Women, of which there are reportedly a couple, say less than 12 words over the course of the four-and-a-half hour movie, though sources say this is not so surprising, since the entire film is a “fanvid” made of ripped footage from earlier Marvel films and, controversially, Sex and the City 2. This is controversial because Tom Holland, Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire grace the screen with their own sex scene in which all three are dressed and fucking like Spider-man. In response to these reports, fans are already organizing protests, posting on Reddit, creating petitions, and publishing fanart of Bucky Barnes with no limbs on Facebook, which is not where it goes. To be clear, all of that is in reference to the Mountain Dew arm thing. Fans have yet to comment on the women. Surely they will, though.

The film’s directors, brother-duo Anthony ‘the Manthony’ Russo and Joe ‘objectively worse looking of the two’ Russo, have already responded to fans’ growing dismay about the new movie, addressing via Twitter some of the concerns expressed regarding the weaving together of so many storylines:

“If the Duffer brothers can do it, so can we,” reads a tweet by Joe Russo. “Fuck Stranger Things and fuck those dudes!”

“We’re the best working pair of brothers in this business,” added Anthony in the first post of a 53-part Twitter thread, “and we’re friends with the guy from Black Panther. That movie rules.”

The Duffer brothers could not be reached for comment. (My break ended).

In this AMC custodian’s humble opinion, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Just like the Russo brothers, people expressed discontent about me writing this article for the newspaper, especially after they heard I haven’t seen a single Marvel movie that came out in the last 10 years, and especially once they found out that I’m just nineteen-year-old woman who cleans the AMC movie theater for no pay.

Here’s the thing, though: the Russo brothers aren’t any better. Do you think they’ve seen a single Marvel movie in the past 10 years? No. Why? Because movies don’t matter. Working at the AMC, I’ve stared at every single Marvel poster for 40+ hours each. I caught the first 8 minutes of Spider-man Homecoming once, but I left to get a bucket of soda and couldn’t find my way back. So maybe I haven’t seen Civil War, or Dr. Stranger, or Handcock, or Call Me By Your Name, or Finding Dory, but goddamnit if I didn’t listen to an airline showing of Guardians of the Galaxy from where I was stowed in the overhead compartment. Did I see the MCU Black Panther? No. Did I see the unaffiliated furry porn by the same name? You can bet all the gold on Planet Wakanda that I did!