March for Our Grades

By: Robert Kinnaird

Inspired by the recent March for Our Lives movement, students across the country are walking out of their classes on the day of their biggest finals. “They can’t fail all of us,” said resident stoner and organizer Chris Griffin. He’s currently failing 4 classes already, but the movement is deeply important to Griffin, who skipped three finals last semester anyway.

“The whole finals system is designed to hurt us, the hardworking students of America,” Griffin said. “I mean, it wouldn’t be as bad if I already had my grades up, but I took a two week sabbatical to relieve stress and try molly after my intro to ceramics midterm really harshed the semester’s mellow.”

Griffin somehow got his entire Appreciation For 1930s Literature to skip the final, including Honors student Cynthia McMan. “I mean, I literally have a 120% in the class just cause I read the books and did the extra credit dream journal,” she said. “Even with a 0 on the final I’ll get a 94 for the semester. May as well call it a movement if I’m gonna day drink on a Tuesday. This is about par for the course for Chris, though. You know he tried to copy my dream journal? What an idiot.”

“I didn’t think it would blow up like this if I’m being honest,” Griffin told us, “but when the school paper covered it and it went viral, college students across the country started to follow suit. Suddenly I’m being interviewed by MSNBC and being called ‘a cultural Marxist’ on Fox News.”

Over 70 colleges have signed onto the so called “movement,” but professors are not happy with the original organizer. “I gave Chris countless opportunities to get his grade up. I literally wrote one of his essays for him just so I could pass him,” said Professor Wakotski who has given Griffin an incomplete four times in Spanish 1, “but if he doesn’t even show up, I’m gonna have to fail him again. At least he isn’t using ‘hungover’ as an excuse to skip it this time.”

We reached out to Chris’s father, Bradley Griffin, for a response. “I’m so proud of my son for starting something like this, great resume builder,” he said. “I think it’s kinda cute that he co-opted the March for Our Lives movement’s name, if not a little tone-deaf. Still proud of him for getting out there and getting active. My boy is finally on the news for something other than setting off fireworks in class. It’s a proud day for the Griffin household.”