By Mattie Brown
Its that time of the year again. Yup! Valentine's day! But wait, uh oh spaghettios, it looks like you haven’t landed yourself a beu yet. Maybe you shouldn’t have wasted all that time pursuing your education, worrying about sociopolitical issues, or improving the lives of others. That’s a terrible way to meet men! Plus, all of that hard work has given you some wrinkles. YIKES! You’re almost 30 now and all you have to show for it is a PHD, a high paying job you love, and a whole network of friends and colleagues who respect and admire you personally and professionally, but there’s still a husband shaped hole in your life.
You will be reminded ceaselessly of your spinster status today as you see all your friends out with their partners. I know it's eating you up inside. You can say that you’re happy for your friends that are starting families and that you respect a woman’s right to choose the path of motherhood, but I know that’s a crock of shit. I mean, women are naturally catty and competitive. Its evolutionary biology. I should know, I have big man brain and took one (1) biology class in high school. I know more about women than women! That’s why I wrote this article to help you lovely ladies get through the day with your fragile feelings in tact.
Eat some sweet Valentine's treats
When it comes to placing women in a box and reducing them to simple stereotypes to avoid thinking about it too hard, I’m an expert. I even took a women’s studies course until my misandrist professor used my spotty attendance and multiple missing assignments as an excuse to fail me. But I digest (In this case digestion means to temporarily shift the focus your work while you are speaking/writing. It's how intellectuals describe going on a tangent in their works and is an example of a homophobe. Just in case you were confused ;-D. I have a vast and nuanced vocabulary and like most undervalued geniousis, my mind is frequently wandering. ‘Tis toilsome to contain all my musings the way people of average intellect do.) Anyways, my thesis is that femaleses’ interests can be boiled down to the three “ings”: ShoppING, gossipING, and eatING. The last one is what women do when they feel sad about not being in a relationship. I know this because (unlike the masses) when I watch movies I maintain a critical mind and study the characters as an Antlerapologist would study people in real life. In fact, that’s how I did most of my research on women, as many of them sadly don’t appreciate scientific exploitation. This is evidenced by how most females react when I merely mention the “clicktoris”.
2) Get another cat
The inevitable fate of women who don’t get married is to become a crazy cat lady. You’re already well on your way since you rescued that feral kitten while rock climbing in Spain. God, how pathetic. Now it's just you and the cat whose life you saved alone in that big (yet still somehow cozy) house where you throw those lame ass parties that you don’t invite me to. Not that I would go if you did. I am far too smart for parties. I prefer to read those books that those old wizard men in ancient Greece wrote because I am Culture. I am a Rick trapped in a world of Morty’s. When your house guests go back to their fancy jobs, you will be alone. Then that mangy mongrel will be the only one to listen to you prattle on about your best selling books. Or the PBS documentary series you appeared in as an expert in your field. Or all the cool places you’ve traveled to. What a sad pitiful existence you lead. I can hear your womb shrivel up into a raisin from my parents spare room. I know the sound, as I have been escorted out of many OBGYN offices. Plus, three of the people who currently have a restraining order out on me are guidedcolumnists. So you could say I’m an expert in snatch. A snatchpert, if you will. I know how much you must want a family. Its in your jeans. So go ahead, embrace your sad life and just go ahead and get 10 cats. You can focus on them instead of Valentine's day. But... if you want to satisfy your innate lady needs and enjoy the holiday there is...one more option…
3)Date a nice guy like me
According to 4chan, it's a proven, scientific fact that all females want to have sex with rich, hot assholes. But if you want ever lasting love you should look for guys like me. Sweet, brilliant, a guy whose criminal record has almost entirely been expunged. We can have intellectual conversations where I explain things I watched on the discovery and history channels to you. I can explain a lot of things to you if you let me. I am also very good at sex. I have narrowed down the location of the G-spot down to 4 possible locations. Please. I am so lonely and so very horny. Just give me a chance. You don’t have any other options for Valentine's day. I mean what? You think you’re to good for me? You bitch. You haven’t changed since high school have you? Now you are living it up in LA and you think you’re so cool now. Well fine, enjoy ending up a washed up old hag.
Oh wow, I can’t believe I sent this to you by complete accident. I totally meant to send this article to the big magazine company I definitely really work for. Its so big and famous I legally can’t tell you the name of it. You know what’s funny? Now that I think about it, this article could really apply to you couldn’t it? It’s almost eerie. And now I’ve sent it to you by accident. What a crazy coincidence. Maybe its fate ;-p. We should hang out next time your in town! Or you could answer my DMs sometime.