The Three Worst Valentine's Dates

By Robert Kinnaird

Trying to find a way to tell him he’s just not right for you? Don’t wanna do it yourself? Well sweetie, don’t worry about it. I’ve been perusing the city, looking hard for the worst events possible, and girl by the time this Valentine’s Day is through, he will be done 👏 with 👏 you 👏!

Manhattan’s Best Improv Brunch

Start your day off wrong with Mime-osas, an improv group of mimes that preform every valentine’s day at Harry’s Victorian Eatery for brunch just a block away from historic Times’ Square. Enjoy beans and toast benedict in strictly enforced silence while the comedic stylings of America’s premier silent brunch themed improv troop slowly destroy any remaining sexual energy that might persist between you and your man.

Button Poetry Presents: A Lonely Hearts Open Mic Poetry Slam

Hey remember when slam poetry was cool? Yeah, me neither. Remember those people from high school who still think its cool? Yeahhhh…. How bout you take him to one of those? Nothing like men telling weepy break up stories and trying to get random women in the audience to fuck them to crater your sex drive. Maybe it’ll give your boyfriend some inspiration for his creative outlet after you break up. Right now he just has butter sculptures.

The DIY Show at His Ex’s Place

Oh man here’s the real doozy. After the worst day he’s ever spent with you, you’re gonna take him right back to her – like a mouse in a horny, horny trap. Remember that girl he dated before you that he somehow found a way to bring up in every conversation? She’s hosting a show on Valentine’s day, and rumor is her new boyfriend is getting ready to pop the question. Don’t worry about how I know that. Okay I’ve been following him for a month but whatever that’s investigative journalism. Anyway, when he finishes his cover of Peach by the Front Bottoms, he’s gonna drop to his knees and pull out a ring pop because oh my god he’s so quirky and seal the deal.

If you two make it to the end of the week, then I’m sorry honey, you’ll be in this for the long haul.