Art Haus Holiday Flicks That Are Lost on An Average Audience

By Robert Kinnaird

You think you understand film? Wrong. Moron. As a film and TV production major, I’m the only one who actually grasps the concept of art, cinema, and art. So why don’t we take a jaunt down memory lane and observe the bits of cinema history that make this snowy season what it is, and I can show you how little you truly know.


Many people often say they don’t understand the bourgeois je ne sais quoi of the film before us, and those same people often say I don’t understand French. To them I say, ceci n’est pas une pipe, but that’s neither here nor there. What IS here is how pre-revolutionary subtexts of this movie totally changed the way the nuclear family is viewed in relation to the nouveau-gauche practice of dentistry. So post-modern! I give it eight out of ten independent spirit awards and a spot on the nice list. Let’s keep this shit going.

Iron Man 3

Yes, Marvel is… how do I put this in layman’s terms? Mainstream? But they truly stumbled face first into a holiday masterpiece worthy of a few Sundances when they made Iron Man 3. In a way, it was not Tony’s movie, but rather a coming of age story about a bunch of suits of armor who proved that the real meaning of Christmas isn’t toys or Jesus or family; it’s a holiday about the cold clutch of intolerance. The Russo brothers were clearly showing us how women are, like, totally not treated well in our society when they made the cold metallic suit of armor wrap around Gwenyth Paltrow as her home explodes. It’s just like the unfeeling hands of society. Also cold = Christmas. I can do this all day. HIT ME!


Now this is a movie that can only truly be appreciated on the big screen. If you observe properly, you can see the way that Frosty subverts all the typical tropes of a snowman. What do you think when you ponder a snowman? Cold? Unmoving? Mute? Frosty is none of those things, even going as far as too melt himself just to prove that in 2018, snowmen can be hot too. Frosty the Snowman? More like Frosty the Wokeman. You can see the 45-minute scene by scene breakdown on my Youtube channel, but for now, I’m moving on.

Also, don’t even step to me about Olaf. I will fucking BURY you. NEXT!

Die Hard


Wet Hot American Summer

Following the tradition of Italian nouveau riche cinema, Wet Hot is our next holiday cinema paradiso. You may be thinking, “but Josh, this movie takes place in the summer and is about camp, not Christmas!” To that I say, you’re wrong, and now sit down and try to get educated. I’ve been studying this stuff for an entire domestic semester, so I know a Christmas movie when I see one, and this chief, is indubitably it. You just know nothing about the holiday spirit or about film. Like just look at it! If that’s not Christmas than I don’t know what is. Check and mate, bro.