By Sam Thor
Father’s Day is here! And even though you have no idea why your dad left or where he went, now is the time to get him something special!
1. A Mug With A World Map On It
He could be anywhere! After getting a postcard every few years from a different location saying “Happy Birthday, Bobby” even though you’ve always gone by Robbie, you should’ve given him a subtle reminder that he has a son who misses him and wants to know where he spends his days. The World Map Mug is perfect for saying “I hope you’re having fun living your life while I sit here and wait”. This gift is especially thoughtful if you take a sharpie and draw question marks all over it.
2. A Photo Album of All the Events He Missed
He wasn’t there, but he wishes he was, right? Well, now you could have shown him exactly what he missed! Who cares if those were the only copies? Go ahead and be sure to glue on some fatherly-looking silhouettes in each picture with the words “This could have been you!” on them. Hopefully, Dad still swings by the address he gave us when I was 5.
3. A Heartfelt Written Letter
What better way to tell him he is a horrible person for leaving you then to actually write that! You could have gotten out the anger you’ve been harboring for the last 15 years and let him know that you only date older men now because you desperately crave the idea of a man taking care of you. Make sure to avoid the parts of the paper that are too soaked from your tears when you tell him that Mom has dated numerous other men to get over him, but none have them have ever truly filled the hole he made when he left. He’ll either love it or he'll never receive it, but you’ll at least feel better!
4. A CD With Just the Song “Where Have You Been” by Rihanna On It
A bop! A banger! An example of the hardships you faced that he was never there to help with! Minus the sex stuff, of course, this song could’ve been the perfect way to show him that you didn’t need him to become the Bad Bitch you’ve always dreamed of being. A little help around the house definitely wouldn’t have hurt, though. Just cross your fingers and hope that he doesn’t respond with “Nobody’s Business”.
5. Go Find Him!
You also could have gone full “Zodiac” (2007) on his ass. True, he probably hasn’t killed anything other than your dreams of having a happy conventional family, but don’t let that discourage you! He is out there somewhere, and the only way you’ll find out where is to just fly to his last known location and search. Don’t let the constant “No, I haven’t heard of a man named Mark Jensen,” or “Mark Jensen honestly really sounds like a fake name. Are you sure that he really goes by that?” comments deter you from your mission. Your father is probably still out there, and the only way you’ll know for sure is by spending all the money you initially earned to spite him.
Unless he never really existed, which you probably shouldn't be too quick to rule out at this point, your father is out there! Actually, he could have died. You probably don’t know, I guess. But still, that curiosity will eat you up inside unless you reach out to him, somehow. And hopefully, he’ll respond! If not, then who needs him?! (You). (You do).