A Selection From: Life's A Beach, Then You Die
Yo man, come here. Have I got a scoop for you. You know Kevin, the accounting manager? Yeah, he is great. Uh huh, he’s really swell. The best. But listen! You going to his beach house party on Saturday? Yeah, I figured you were. Beer, booze, and brews, am I right? Well listen to this. You know Kevin’s crazy hot girlfriend, Sarah? It’s cool, dude, I’ve seen you staring. Well check this shit - word on the street is that Kevin and Sarah have an "open relationship" and Sarah - yeah, his hot girlfriend -- she’s totally into you! So you down? Of course you are. Don’t worry man, I know this isn’t your scene but I’m totally gonna help you out. I’ve got tons of experience with this exact thing. Lemme give you the rundown on the five best places in Kevin’s Long Island beach house to fuck his smoking hot girlfriend, Sarah.
1. His bedroom
We’re gonna get you laid for sure, man. You wanna get with that smokin-hot hunny who's nearly completed her second Master’s? This is the place to do it. Chicks love it when you get romantic on them, and what better place to show her that you care while you rail her than on Kevin’s lovely, albeit maybe a little overly-extravagant 300 thread-count Egyptian silk sheets? Maybe bring some candles and flowers along. I hear that she really likes those pink roses. And sandalwood! Bitches love sandalwood (Don't call Sarah a bitch).
2. His kitchen
Ooh, kinky. You like foodplay? Of course you do. And there’s no better place to turn to for a lil’ bump and grind brunch time than Kevin’s Michelin-star kitchen. Go crazy! Whipped cream, toppings, the whole nine yards. Stay away from the peanut butter, though - Sarah’s really allergic to peanuts. At least that’s what I hear. Don’t know why Kevin keeps that kind of stuff in the kitchen anyway. I mean, yeah, he did use his background as a union lawyer to somehow get her under the company coverage plan, nearly losing his job in the process. But he probably wouldn't have had to if he'd just learn her allergies with some sense of responsibility. His house, I guess. Whatever.
3. His six-car garage
For when you want somewhere a little more private, but still wanna keep things dirty! Did you know Kevin owns three Ferraris? What’s a guy gonna do with three Ferraris? Well I know what you can do with three Ferraris, haha! Talk about romantic! Few things will give you as big a rush as going Titanic-style in the back seat of a two-hundred-thousand-dollar sports car with a beautiful, intelligent young woman. Sarah loved that movie. She used to, at least, and that scene was her favorite part. And, uh, heh, you’ll definitely get a good laugh out of leaving your assorted bodily fluids in the back of Kevin’s precious ride! That’ll teach him to give Employee of the Month to Eric, and not me. Or you, for that matter. It’s not like he’s gonna use the thing anyway, he’s got three (3!) of them. I think he was just gonna sell it at some charity auction or something anyway. Sheesh. Pinch me if you've heard this one before: Kevin's somehow got ahold of something beautiful and wonderful and rare, and he's more than happy just letting strangers crawl inside of it.
4. The laundry room
Just because I accidentally put your favorite white tank top in with my colors is no need to get angry, Sarah. Anyway, vibrations and stuff. Chicks love it, ergo you'll love it. Feel free to bring some dirty clothes with you to take care of while you’re getting steamy! Kevin gets all his stuff dry-cleaned anyway. That must get so expensive.
5. His private yacht
Yeah.. motherfucker’s got a yacht, too. Moored right up to his boat house, all thirty-two feet of it. What is he, some kind of handsome, hard-working Bond villain? Show him exactly how you feel about it by making sweet, sweet love to that wonderful woman in Kevin’s captain’s chair, hat and all. That is, if you can get her to stop talking about how kind and philanthropic and sweet he is. What kind of hold does this guy have on her? Scary. But hey, you know what you should do? You should steal his yacht! Dude, that would be so fucking funny dude. I bet I can find out where he keeps the keys. That’ll show him for sure! Man, this is gonna be the best summer of our - hey wait, dude! Where you going, man? Come back! Could you -- could you at least give me like a few bucks? It’s just that,I bought all this ecstasy with the idea that the three of us would get to enjoy it on a big boat. But if that’s off the table then I need to at least get some of my money back. Please dude, I don’t think you understand. My wife’s gonna fucking kill me.