Dunkirk: A Review

By: Peter Soucy

A bunch of young, handsome, Britishmen wait on a beach for an older, uglier, British man to take them fishing: this is the basic plot of Dunkirk. This wartime romance also features no women. All these handsome men and no women! Typical Hollywood.

At least 3 Nazis die in the film which is good. Tom Hardy does not take his shirt off in victory when he shoots them down; in fact, he actually has all of his body covered, including his face. Director Christopher Nolan said he wanted Hardy’s body to be completely covered so no one would see how handsome he is. He did not want people to see the movie because of the handsome men. He wanted people to see the movie for the lack of women. Hardy is such a talented actor that he did not leave the prop plane’s cockpit for the entirety of the movie’s shooting. By the time he shot his last scene, Hardy was very wet with pee. He got very sick. Maybe that's why they made him stay in the plane.

Harry Styles is also in the movie and should have died with a piece of toast in his mouth, but his best friend Tom Hardy said he would not do the movie unless Harry Styles lived until the end. Nolan apparently did not know Harry Styles was the Prince of Pop and heir to the British throne. In an interview, he said he chose Styles solely because the young man serenaded Nolan about a french cat during his audition. Isn’t that fucked up?

But why are these Britishmen the stars of a war movie? I’m wondering that too. Isn’t war America’s pastime? And isn’t being handsome reserved only for Americans? When did a chiseled chin, a tight physique, and a foreign accent make a man handsome? Handsomeitity used to be based on the wear on your work boots, the size of your gut, and the soil under your fingertips. All those soldiers were small Britishmen. I could eat them for breakfast.

I’d like to.

My Tinder profile shows off my boots and my fingertips very intensely, and I’ve only gotten 11 matches, and have gone on 2 dates. One ended in my blow up pool. No sex. I bet Harry Styles has sex. Ugh. More like un-Hairy Styles, because he’s got no hair! These “men,” so handsome and so hairless. How do they do it? I have so much hair. Some would say too much, but not me. I would never speak on that. I have just enough to wear my shirt a little too unbuttoned, and just under the amount where the government would forcibly shave me. And that’s really all I can say. On the second Tinder date, I took a girl to see Dunkirk, the new Christopher Nolan movie by the guy that made Christian Bale yell and then apologize.

Anyway,  I’ve decided to go on a diet and go back to school. I’ve made an Instagram account to chronicle my weight loss, if you would like to follow my journey. It’s called TheFaceBehindThe_Neck, but I might change it later if my face becomes muscular beyond all control. As always, thanks for reading this, and thanks for creating the movie Dunkirk: A Boy’s Tale. Hopefully your next movie is even better. Hopefully it will be Transformers. I think you would do a good job at that.


Drafting the Apology Letter Your Parents Will Never Give You; Do's and Don't's

By: Victoria Jenkins 

Parents, huh? They made you, they raised you, they scarred you, and now they’re back for blood. Your dad’s blood cell count is too low. They need a transfusion stat and you’re a perfect match. I may be joking about the blood, but the emotional trauma they branded you with is no laughing matter. You deserve respect. You deserve reparations. You deserve an apology. They’re never gonna write it, god, do I have to do everything around here? Kick that troubled ass into gear and follow these helpful guidelines:


DO: Prepare yourself. Hunt for and gather supplies.


This is going to be an emotional trip. Snacks, tissues, water, long range hunting rifle, lube - you never know what you’re going to need, but you’re going to want it all.


DON’T: Bring up the neighbors.


Competition always ran high within the neighborhood. Discussing your parents’ rivals would only sour their humble act of atonement. Besides, your family was publicly declared the hairiest on the block, and the others can’t say anything to change that.


DO: Point out their many apparent and inherent shortcomings.


Adults love to discuss their flaws and freely admit their mistakes. To give the letter an authentic “Mom and Dad” feel, consider every time they’ve ever wronged you and how they might say sorry for that. You’d been trying to befriend the deer in the backyard when it suddenly “ran away” and dinner was venison for a week after. Your father offers you clout to make up for this, but do you accept it? Yes.


DON’T: Turn your back.


The one thing you needed as a child was the unconditional love and support of your parents. All you got was the sharp teeth and rough barks of a hardened heart. Be there for yourself; compliment your own deep, brown eyes, or your soft, pink flesh.


DO: Stand up for yourself.


Looking weak, scared, or vulnerable is only going to invite another attack. You and your father know you should be second-in-command, so how about he finally tells you so? Better yet, he concedes you his spot as the alpha male- now you’re really sitting pretty!


DON’T: Make eye contact.


It’s all about power, baby. Brief glances.


DO: Throw this letter out.


Let’s be honest here, your parents wouldn’t write it even if they could. You’ve already become the person you’re going to be. It’s your American and God-given right to pass your flaming torch of emotional baggage to the next generation under the light of a full moon. Treat yourself to a steak; not much else you can do when you were raised by wolves.

Local Speed Demon Drafts Unsuspecting Big Rig

By: Quin Asselin

“Randy you son of a...” Fort Worth, TX resident and local meth enthusiast, Gek “The Stench” Greer, was quoted as mumbling before snapping his taut neck towards the back of his otherwise unoccupied ‘83 Ford Fiesta. Greer, reportedly on hour 16 of a “rock candy dandy,” had devoted all of his attention to drafting behind a semi-trailer truck. To passers-by watching the madness unfold, Greer piloted his scarlet trashwagon with a deft hand, and a wet hand at that, inspiring both fear and awe. Inside the beet red buggy, Mr. Stench blindly hurdled towards the New Mexico border in pursuit roughly 10 feet behind the big rig.

The trailer’s driver, one Steve Carell (no relation, but what are the odds??) claimed no knowledge of, “a geeked out speed freak” on his tail for more than 200 miles, but would go on to commend the orange-eyed former freelance woodworker. “That man’s slick as a newt,” said Carell, before really laying into the horn for a moment. “Let him know he’s always free to ride with Steve.”

Initial reports suggest the intent of The Stench was to seduce the trailer’s sexy mudflap maidens into his crimson hell shuttle. However, a two-and-a-half hour voicemail left on the phone of one Crank Buttsnap suggests Greer was actually using the trailer’s slipstream to hide from the “awful winds of the ghouls.” While they were asked to elaborate on their relationship with Greer, the ghouls of Interstate 20 could not be reached for comment. Visible always, never quite out of sight, and yet forever escaping the grasp of those rare few who choose still to seek them.

Tests performed on the broken remains of Greer’s infernal jalopy revealed that his fuel efficiency had increased by up to 25%. Though Greer claimed that he would be able to, “ride ‘til [he] died!”, this journey was cut short by a pothole that sent Gek and his burgundy fuck bug into a highway drainage ditch.

Greer is currently set to make a slow recovery, and has so far declined to make a statement unless this reporter is willing to, “scratch an itch.”